As Within, So Without...As Above, So Below

Dear Web,
Just wanted to add an addendum to yesterday's long letter regarding this 'catching up with The Wheel.'

I really don't know how any of this "works" actually. And, I am wondering about the interaction between my process and Phoenix's process. I am inclined to believe that my process and his process of piecing ourselves back together is linked. I mean if we are on The Web, then any flutter of change for either one of us is felt through the threads. Does it mean that my shift will create a shift for him and vice versa? Or does it mean that when one of us energetically shifts, that causes a ripple in the other's "environment" (for lack of a better word) and something else can be created. That something else is the wild card, the unknown, perhaps. This is not cause and effect: I don't think that if I heal, he heals. But/And I believe there is a relationship between us that seeks Wholeness. I believe that because that is how we felt together, energetically: Whole.

And I also recognize that it's not just about Phoenix and I. As a deer sister pointed out to me, he was 'of two cultures': he was part wolf and part dog which means he carried much struggle and much history of violence in his body from thousands of years of wolf hatred that still lives on. So, there is that, perhaps, which is also part of the fragmenting that's occurred. That is outside our relationship. And I'd imagine when one's soul has been fragmented, there are lifetimes of healing and mending that are needing to occur. I've promised though to hold the thread for Phoenix as he traverses the ruins. And, perhaps, my shift (aka my sense of 're-emerging' energy) can help facilitate energy for him to do this work. And...perhaps some shift in his process has rippled to create the environment for me to experience a shift in my own energy. It's a conversation...it's just hard to tell who's turn it is. And maybe it's not like that at all...maybe it's just a constant flow and exchange of mutual energy and certain alchemical mixes change something within, without, above and below. I am learning to trust that.

So, there's a bit of trying to intellectually sort out what MIGHT be happening. I Know something IS happening/has happened with me and The Wheel. And because of my cosmology, I believe that nothing is in isolation. I believe in the power of this Love between Phoenix and I.

So it is,
Melissa

Catching up with "The Wheel"

Dear Web,

There has been a shift. I've only experienced this kind of shift one other time that I can remember right now; I've come to call it 'catching up with The Wheel'. Let me explain.

I live my life with The Wheel of the Year. That is, I pay close attention to the Earth and Her movements through the year from season to season. And, I notice my own movements/changes internally in the context of Hers. For example, when Fall Equinox comes around (that is the day when the length of day and night is equal), I take a look at the concept of balance or imbalance in my life. I examine what harvests there are in my life to celebrate, like projects that have reached fruition, or not. It is a time of assessment: what will I keep (relationships, patterns of thinking/being, objects etc) and what will I honor and let go? Anyway, you get the idea. So, I follow this way of Living in relationship to the natural world around me. Sometimes there are big ways I am in sync with what is happening on the Wheel and sometimes I am very much not there. Although, any way I am however that is, I mark the day and celebrate it. I celebrate Her place and mine.

So, last year around the time of Spring Equinox...actually just a couple of days before Phoenix was killed this year....my sweet cat Companion died. He was over ten years old and was a stray from the island of Lesbos in Greece. Long story, short, I brought him home with me and we enjoyed such a lovely cat connection for many years. His death was difficult, though not because it was traumatic like Phoenix's, but because I loved Hekati that much. So for the rest of last year's March, into April and beginning through May I grieved terribly. Plus, beginning January of last year, my partner had a bout with cancer! It was a difficult year too!!

The movement of the Earth and Her seasons is such that Spring Equinox marks the time of re-emergence. You know, here in the Northern Hemisphere, particularly in the United States, Daffodils are some of the first ones to bloom along with Crocus and of course, there's the return of Bloodroot's incredible white flowers! If you live in places where the winters can be long, cold and dark, Spring Equinox is especially a place of great celebration. "We made it through!" can be a common sentiment.
Well, because of the intensity of the events before and around Spring Equinox last year, I fell into a state of what I understand as "internal stunted growth." Spring Equinox came and went with me in a heap of great grief. Spring went on without me. I did not re-emerge with the Earth, I stayed deep, deep within my dark cave. For months.

By May, though, before my partner's second surgery, Phoenix and I went to the ocean for just three days. I needed to re-Source myself and when that is called for, I often find my way to the ocean with Phoenix. It was there, that I finally emerged. Between Phoenix's exuberant joy of life and our time beside the water, I finally 'caught up with The Wheel' and could Return. It was my Spring Equinox in May, instead of March.

So, this year, there was no trip to the ocean just all the stuff I've since recorded. And, somehow, by the Grace of Spirit, this shift has seemed to have occurred again. Though because of the different circumstances of my grief, I am not fully confident that I won't slide back into my cave. It does feel extremely important, though, to acknowledge that for the moment, for the last three days actually, I feel I have 'caught up with The Wheel'; I have re-emerged in a Spring Equinox way here at Summer Solstice. And I still feel tentative like there could still be a spring frost....

And...I think I am going to Live. And it just may be an OK thing.

In Her Love,
Melissa

Seventeen Roses

Dear Web,
Thank you for the seventeen roses...I recognize them from you, though the 'logical' circumstances say otherwise. They are 17 magical miracles from you to me.
What a sweet response to my cry for connection and Ground.

Thank you.
Yes,
Melissa

Fear

Dear Web,
I have been feeling great fear the last few days. Fear that there are no boundaries to what can happen to me, to the world. I think Phoenix being shot has to be the absolute worst thing I can think of that has happened to me. It's hard to imagine any worse, really. And yet, I feel something worse is coming. And I am grasping for Ground. There are moments when the fear is at bay and I can sense a ground. But it's temporary and I slip again into this place of Groundlessness.

And it's not that I am not Spiritual...I am a Soul-full woman. I have great amount of Faith. And...there's this place of Groundlessness I keep encountering.

Is it PTSD? Is it a place of transpersonal memory of a time that I've lived through, or not, before?

It is 13 weeks today since Phoenix was shot. I come home every day mid-day to feed B. and M. because I am still scared to be away that long from my home. So, I know that some of this is what is called PTSD. And...it feels bigger.

So, this is a prayer to you, Web, to hold me close. Keep showing me those magical, miraculous things that remind me of Who I Am and that I am Connected to something that will not take me out....something that is my Ground on which to rest, peacefully.

In Love,
Melissa

Double Devastation

Dear Web,

There are days when I plod along. The plodding lasts throughout the day sometimes and sometimes the plodding is interrupted by experiences I can only describe as being felled like a tall tree. For short, I refer to these times as "on the floor." Oftentimes this is literal as my grief takes me to the lowest point possible, which, barring a deep passageway to an underground cave (which sounds quite wonderful), the floor is the collapsing point. Sometimes I am figuratively on the floor. During these figurative times, I may look like I am standing or sitting or not weeping my heart out, but really I am and either my body hasn't caught up with this state yet or I am not in a situation where I can drop into it yet.

This weekend my partner returned from South Louisiana where she witnessed first hand what is happening to the water. She said she could smell the fumes of the oil on the beach as well as see the immense spread of oil, both what was already bagged up and what was still coming in with each tide. She showed me her photos. Dear Web, there I went again...felled...on the floor.

Like so many of us, I can hardly stand this. And I am paying attention to the double devastation for me personally. My beloved Guardian Phoenix has been taken, shot, killed, murdered. I/we are picking up the pieces that are shattered from that and reweaving....something, sometimes wonderful and sometimes unrecognizable. And now, beloved Ocean who has been, likewise, a constant source of Source for me is being killed by this oil. My partner told me that the oil is so deep in some places (ie 4 ft) that the fish have had to dive deeper and cannot sustain that depth for a long period of time. I think they will suffocate. And here I go again...felled. And the beloved pelicans...with all the effort of trying to clean their wings....she was told they will die anyway because of the toxicity already in their system.

I am not a Christian. My cosmology does not include Armageddon. And...if anything personally looks, smells and feels like the beginnings of a big end of something, this double devastation does. And..I do what I know to do...I fall to the floor, seeking the lowest point on the earth, and wail, feeling the magnitude of everything. And..I hold on to that Thread to Phoenix and to the Water, to Her Wholeness and to All the Love I have in my heart that currents right along with the Pain.

Ooooowheee. These are the days we are reminded Who We Are and Must BE.
Holding on,
Melissa

Adult Guilt and Baby Steps

Dear Web,

Well, I stepped out of my comfort zone and had dinner over at my new neighbor's house last night. She was very kind to invite me and while I didn't feel too nervous before, I was up most of the night afterwards. Nothing really identifiably wrong. We spoke of mostly 'safe' topics like our animals. She loves her ten year old dog Grady, of course. She told me again how close she was to the people who lived in this house before; how they each moved in and out of one another's house freely, took care of each other's pets, shared dinners together several times a week etc. I can tell she is anticipating that kind of relationship again with us.

So, I was awake much of the night with nothing glaringly getting my attention. I didn't have any of my usual PTSD symptoms, like racing heart and escalating anxiety. It wasn't until very early this morning, around sun rise, when I realized the shock state I am in. You see, if I had had a better relationship with my old neighbor....even IF I had given him my number at work....you see where I'm going?... I could have saved my Phoenix because my neighbor would have called me at work instead of leaving a message on the home machine and.....I would have dropped everything to come get Phoenix and bring him home. I AM SO SORRY, MY LOVE. I failed you. I failed you because I hated my neighbor and wanted as little to do with him as possible. And YOU, my darling Phoenix, MY GUARDIAN, paid the price! How will we ever find forgiveness of me for THAT! (I need to let that hang in the air for just a bit...)







And here I am in a new home with a new neighbor who is NOT the old neighbor. And...there are things about her/who she is that make me leery and there are things about myself/my home that I hold sacred and private which complicate just opening my doors fully to her. I do not trust her to understand me, nor really see me for who I am. Our home houses not just our things, but our Spirits. It has been and always will be a sanctuary. So the thought of her just rambling through the house, scares me. Not because I think she is criminal or pathological. No. Nor because I think she would harm us. It scares me simply because I do not trust her. I don't. For good or for bad, I do not trust her. Perhaps that is PTSD. Perhaps that is instinct. Or something else. Whatever it is, I will honor it and not be pressured or bullied by social expectations to just fling open my door to her.

And...there's always an and....How do I let myself relate differently to her than I did the other neighbor, the murderer? How can I let myself see her as a different person who did not kill Phoenix, nor would ever consider it? I started last night by giving her my number at work.

Baby steps.

Love,
Melissa

Today, part 2

Dear Web,

Two things for this addendum for today. One: there is often very little that happens cause and effect; actually, probably nothing does. So in reference to my last post re: my hair and how cutting it led to me feeling more unbound--this is really not accurate and doesn't do justice to other factors. This may seem like a hair splitting point to some, and/but it is not. You see, in the course between the time I got my hair cut and today, many things have happened--some I have reported and many I have not. All of these things have unbound me, not just cutting my hair. For example, during the weekend I spent some time with my Tribe--these are folks who I consider family in those deep and unabiding ways. Often when we are together, I come back to myself in ways that are unique to being with these women. As a combined result of that and all the other pieces of the weekend, reported and unreported, I have received the gift of feeling unbound. Ok, now I can let it rest. It's just important to me that I give credit where credit is due to the multiple identifiable sources.

Last thing....I cannot believe Phoenix is gone. (PAUSE...let that just hang in the air...)





This is something so profoundly inconceivable that today I've launched into tears and sobbing several times. All I want to do is reach my hand out and feel his ears again. Have him here to say the things I only say to him in the tone of voice I only use with him. This pain will never heal. No matter what. It flows right along side everything else that I write about. So, dear Web, just because I don't talk about it each time, know that this pain is ever present. Phoenix is my Heart. And somehow this 'going on' will never be totally right. And I will never love like this again. I know I sound so tragic. It is. Profoundly so.

Love,
Melissa

Unbound by my hair

Dear Web,
As I sit to write, I do not know what to write. Yesterday was the first day I did not write after 12 days in a row, since the beginning. There was no obvious reason for this. I was busy working etc, but that cannot be it totally because there have been other days in the last 12 when I have been as busy or more. So, I am curious about the quiet. And..wanted to at least give myself a chance to write something today, if desired.

My hair. That's what wants attention. Last week, I got my hair all cut off. Well, not all, but mostly. The day after we returned Phoenix to the Earth, I woke up in a fit. It felt like latent madness. I felt numb and like I was bumping around doing different usual routines. Then I sat down in the room where the night before I had slept on the floor behind Phoenix, holding on to him all night. I recall feeling sadness, but I also recall feeling a bit disconnected from myself. Then my eyes fell on a painting I'd done many years ago--a small self-portrait of Phoenix and I. In the painting, my hair was short, so it must have been 8 years ago, maybe more. And something in me snapped, like in that dream when I was asking "Where's Phoenix?" so innocently totally forgetting what has happened and then the rock inside me dropped and I remembered. I felt an intense anger and...something else...I don't know what. Madness has so many horrible connotations for women. And, I wonder if that names this wild, angry state. And in that wildness, I knew what I had to do.

I stood up, found scissors and walked outside to where Phoenix was. There on the site, I fell to my knees and keened. Wailed my heart out. Didn't care who heard. Hoped they did. Hoped someone other than me knew this wild pain. My partner came out, of course, in response and stayed at a distance so as not to disturb me or what was happening. In fact, she brought her drum and began quietly drumming. She knows how to hold sacred space and does it very well. So, while she drummed and I keened, I cut my hair. I didn't care about anything except that moment and all the moments from then on out when I would be without my beloved Phoenix.

Days afterwards, when I returned to work, my coworkers took great notice of my hair (which was asymmetrical and shorter) and said how much they really liked it (I wondered if their authentic enthusiasm was be/c they were responding to the clarity and purity of the state I was in when I cut it). Every time someone commented on it, I was transported back to that moment outside my house, wildly wailing. It was almost like their comments were a cue to myself, a thread that pulled me back into the reality of loss and what happened to me/us.

So, for a couple months, I refused to touch my hair (ie even it out or change it). Then I went in and allowed H. to trim it some, but not change the shape at all. I was adamant and she was so understanding. Then last week, I knew it was time to cut it again. This time more drastically. So, that is what I did. And I can honestly say it has felt so freeing. It's not that I feel less weighted by my grief, or by my memories...they were never a weight (having to go on sometimes felt like a weight). Phoenix has and never will be a weight of any sort for me. I am really not sure what I let go of in this drastic cutting...or what was in those locks that I sent down to the Gulf to help soak up some of the catastrophe there. I am really not sure. But, what I can say is that I sensed without a doubt it was time to cut off my hair (to change my appearance drastically) and that I have felt unbound since.

I am not my hair, I hear myself say to myself. People's reactions (which by the way have been a hoot to watch/witness) have not shaken me one bit. I listen to their processes they go through in seeing such a big change and struggling to find the words to....I don't know...make me feel ok?...I'm not sure what. But, I have felt no shame, no awkwardness, even in the face of some of their awkwardness and obvious dislike of my hair cut. I feel calm and strongly connected to who I am and why I am here on the planet. That's the best way I can describe it. It's big for me to feel this way in the face of another's judgement/assessment of me/my appearance.

So, I write into the Web, from this unbound place, knowing who I am. And I send that too to my dear Guardian Phoenix.

In Great Love,
Melissa

Walking the Labyrinth, literally

Dear Web,

Did I mention that we live next to a Labyrinth in this new house? Yes, it's true. I've always felt a strong connection to Labyrinth, so to discover that the next door neighbor here has a Labyrinth of stones was a true true magical gift. I have walked it often, sometimes with a clear intent and sometimes just to experience the movement/rhythm. And this one was divinated to be located in a grove of trees just outside the main windows of our home. I have found such deep comfort not only in walking this blessed spiritual gift, but also in just looking out across our yard at the curved layout of stones amidst the small grove of trees. I feel transported every time and so connected to the Earth. And safe.

Anyway, today I looked out at Her (I see this energetic Being as She) and noticed that half of Her is eclipsed in shade. This got my attention because I have been spending lots of time with a particular photo of Phoenix where half of his face is eclipsed in shade too. His left eye I can see clearly is wild and alive and intensely present. (I believe this is the first photo I posted.) So, without much explanation to myself, I followed this interest and decided to walk Her and see what it's like to attend to the movement through the light and shade and whatever else showed up.

Walking toward the Labyrinth, right away somebody showed up: the neighbor's dog, Grady. He is a ten year old white golden retriever, as sweet as he is large! As I entered the Labyrinth, Grady began rolling in the grass on his back having a great time! I greeted him with a delightful laugh and encouragement to continue to roll since it felt sooooooo good! I walked on and pretty soon Grady entered the Labyrinth with me (No, not at the formal entrance!) and met me about half way through. We were on adjacent paths. I sat down and spent a good while petting him all over. He settled down in this shady area while I walked on in and out of the sunlight. When I reached the center, Grady was still in his original spot and it was adjacent to the path directly to/from the center. I sat with him here and cried, missing Phoenix's companionship and feeling gratitude for Grady's reassuring company here in the Labyrinth! After a bit, I wound my way back out and at one point...it was really, really, eerie in a good way... Grady got up and walked beside me (in his own path, the one adjacent to me). He did not step out of the stones until I reached the last little bit to my exit and he veered left and exited his own way across stones. It was very very WuWu (aka other-worldly-ish)!

Earlier in the day, my neighbor had told me to pick some of her lettuce because she had so much, so I headed next to her garden which happened to be in the general direction Grady was following his nose now. I picked the lettuce and met Grady in the garden. After redirecting him out, he ambled on and....well, I decided to follow him, following his nose. We had a lovely adventure moving through our yards, getting into the pond and then back to where we started. I decided I needed to come in and attend to my responsibilities so I could get to work on time. Grady, of course, kept following his nose.

So, all of this is to add to this weaving that is happening. I am engaged in Life right now. I am intrigued and interested in this Repair. This is a good place to Be. And I see myself here clearly. For right now. For this moment. I experience myself on the Web. What a miracle. And I send this feeling LOVINGLY and GENTLY to Phoenix. I See it so gently approach in a mist around him. Yes, a mist that smells vaguely like roses.

Blessed be!
Love,
Melissa

A Phoenix Rite

Dear Web,

After being very concerned about what was/is happening to Phoenix on the other side (even along with these positive signs that have been sent), I consulted a sister who does Shamanic Journeying to find out what she could. The information she got is that because of the violent death, his soul is shattered, splintered. His work in this place is to pull these pieces back together. He doesn't remember who he is/was so his motivation is low. I trust this information and I trust the signs that have been sent and believe both can be true. He can be in great agony, disoriented and fragmented AND some of those fragments do know of our connection, our bond. It is to those I send the great extraordinary LOVE that has surrounded me and helped me piece my own shatteredness back together this time and so many other times. This is a Phoenix rite. He is Phoenix...he will prevail.

And I will wait with my hand gently on the Web, so that he feels my Presence, my Love and my Patience. I can be very impatient (ask those who love me!) and....I can also be extremely Patient and Focused, like an Owl. It is one of my greatest gifts of Intensity.

So, I am in gratitude for S. who so clearly and with great integrity went in search of my beloved. I am so thankful to know what is happening and feel much better with the information than without it. I am in gratitude to my other sisters who have journeyed so many places with me over the years and who also know shamanic ways and have helped me tremendously reach deeper understandings and see oftentimes things that are right in front of my face!

And for Phoenix. I affirm your wholeness, dear one. Thank you for your sendings. Let me sit for you this time, hold the thread, and send you what you need. As long as it takes.

Love,
Melissa

Blank page

Dear Web,

Today, I don't know where to go, what to write, what to do. I've done all the things I've wanted to do today. And I can feel things slowing down as I face the stillness where I feel this insecurity. And the anxiety is just below the surface again. My neighbor invited me to come over; she knows why we moved to this new house, but we've not really connected. I feel awkward, unsure socially. Just inept. So, I've kept to myself in this facing of the stillness. This must be another layer of what it looks like to be alive but facing death. Not my death, of course, but Death in its undeniability, its refusal to negotiate. It's refusal to be affected by anything I do in my life and living. No matter what. Death has taken Phoenix.

I have no inspiring words for you or myself. The most accurate representation of my web log today would be a blank page, a blank white page with no ink in sight.







Melissa

House For Sale, Neighbor An Asshole

Dear Web,

I woke up this morning after a rough night. It was the first night I am alone in the house since Phoenix was killed. My partner had to go to visit family and left yesterday morning. It didn't even occur to me what this meant other than I would be here alone this week. Not until the sun began setting did I begin to feel the anxiety which I immediately masked by popping some popcorn and putting in a movie. Then the movie ended and I headed to bed feeling more anxiety but passed it off as a response to the movie which was pretty weird and a bit spooky, (I watched "The Box"). Climbing into bed, I noticed Beetle acting anxious too, pacing and not settling. That's usually good feedback that there is something up with me or going on energetically. I tried to settle but it took me a long time and then....my mind caught up to what my body already knew....I am truly alone. Beetle is a good dog; she would probably tear anyone up who tried to come in the house. And she is a loose cannon. She is not really grounding or reassuring. She's has the kind of 'the sky is falling' personality. So, it's hard to rely on her for calmness. I usually have to create that for her. With Phoenix, it was the other way around. He exuded reassurance to me (except in thunderstorms!). He was my ground...in all ways. So, the anxiety set in for the night. And/But, I made it through.


Then first thing I find on my email this morning is this from our wonderful real estate agent: it's a photograph of a for sale sign in front of a house.

FOR SALE
BY OWNER.
BECAUSE MY NEIGHBOR'S
AN ASSHOLE.

I laughed hysterically until I cried. After Phoenix was shot, I was hysterical. I mean, there were times that I thought I was coming unglued. And...I knew, my partner and I both did, that we had to get out of that house. Sell the house and move. And that was the fuel that kept me glued together. So, by day we both worked our usual jobs plus cleared/cleaned the house to get it ready to sell, and by night, I would collapse into tears usually beginning with the drive home from work and through the time I crawled into bed. The homeopathic remedy "Ignatia" was my regular tonic. The anxiety was unbelievable. We were whirlwinds, really. It was amazing that we both had the energy necessary to do such a big endeavor!

And the anger...was/is immense. When I let myself feel it, I could see how others would want to hurt someone with it. And I did want to hurt my neighbor with it. So many times. In so many ways. There is no way he could have not heard or felt my rage in the air, though I never was direct about it because I was concerned about our safety for the remaining time we had to be there. Mostly I felt it, expressed it aloud and gave it to Spirit and to the Earth. I was gifted much understanding of the ethics of anger. It is not my business how Spirit will right this gigantic wrong; what sort of boomerang affect my neighbor will experience. It is my business to stay on the Web, not become him. So, I did and have done that in all of my integrity, as hard as it was and still is.

And so...we worked and worked to get the house on the market, this challenging real estate market, knowing we might be stuck there for months and maybe years still! But we kept our heads down and did what we needed to do, trusted and prayed, prayed, prayed. And you know what? The first day it was listed, we had an offer! A month and a half later we sold the house and moved into this wonderful new one about 180 degrees around the city from the old one! How's that for a miracle! How's that for the weavings of Repair from Spirit?

So, to find that email this morning with the photograph of the for sale sign, brought this whole experience back up. The anger, the anxiety, and... the miracle.

Blessed are we,
Melissa

Plodding along

Dearest Web,

For all intents and purposes, I should feel lighter and happier, yes? I mean the events of the last three days or so surely should have a lightening affect?? Instead, I feel achy, heavy, and exhausted. And with all that, I don't feel grounded, settled or even satisfied. Just sad. Just ready to collapse again into a heap of loneliness. How pitiful, I hear myself say, that even when I seem to be getting what I wish for, I am full of sorrow. And...it's where I am. Not to be changed, coerced or judged.

I went to a pet loss support group last night, even though, you, Web, have been weaving such incredible support! I needed to see and hear others who know something of what I am experiencing. There were only two others there; I was hoping for a room full of stories to reach me. But/And there were two gifts that I received from the conversations: one is that this grief is a lonely experience that actually breeds more loneliness and isolation and the other thing was a quote from one of the participants that was affirming and touching. He told of how he was seeking communication with his beloved who transitioned over a year ago so he tried an experiment of writing with his non-dominant hand. He wondered if his instincts about these communications that he sensed were coming in the sounds of birds and other experiences of nature were really communications from the other side or just things that happened to happen (sound familiar??!!). The answer he got through his automatic writing was something like, "I'm alive inside of the wonder itself." Meaning, his beloved companion was already there the moment he wondered if he was there. How's that for some affirmation of the last few days for me?

So, for that, I am grateful. For the love of the Web, I am grateful. For my own plodding patience with my in-the-dark-process whose end I cannot see nor imagine, I am grateful. And for whatever eyes and hearts witness these web logs (I like that term so much better than the word blog which has such an inane sound to it and suggests such meaninglessness) and are touched and send their support, I am grateful. And for having a space to encounter this labyrinthine process and express it/make meaning of it into the WEB, I am grateful.

Sad, heavy, exhausted and grateful,
Melissa

Roxie takes me to Phoenix

Dear Web,

Reporting a sweet sign, some call it synchronicity, others a coincidence, and still others say 'wishful thinking':

Every now and then I will work with groomers I know and bathe the dogs for them. This is lovely work most of the time. Today was one of those days. I spotted Roxie the moment I came in. She was in charge, keeping tabs on the smaller dogs who would occasionally get into a scuffle, sniffing the groomers' lunch bags, and looking for anything interesting to explore. She was confident and social, maintained a wide scope of attention while at the same time could hone in and absorb one-on-one attention. When it was her time to be bathed, I approached her and noticed a ridge line down her snout. When I commented, one of my friends/groomers joked, "Oh, yeh, she's a Rhodesian Ridge back." She laughed at herself and told me those really do exist. It was weird, my internal response...I went somewhere else, though I could not tell where. I nodded and probably said something, but I was gone. Not until I had Roxie in the tub did I come back with a consciousness of where I went.

Years ago Phoenix and I lived by the ocean for three months together. It was an amazing opportunity! One day on the beach which we walked together twice a day, these two guys came up to me and asked me about Phoenix. People would often comment at his unusual appearance and many want to know what his breed is. I always would respond with the truth: "He's a mixture. Your guess is as good as any." These two guys were from Africa and they said that he looked so much like a Rhodesian Ridge back. They were very good with Phoenix, seemed to understand him and his quirkiness. They didn't try to engage with him, they let him approach. Anyway, that day, when they walked away, I remember feeling like they really appreciated Phoenix and I felt so, so,....proud, is the only word I have for it. I felt proud and happy to have others have such admiration and high regard for my beloved companion.

So, I'd totally forgotten about that day until my friend's comment. And even then, the memory was so faint that my mind hadn't registered. While I was bathing Roxie, I began to feel how solid her body is, strong and solid. Her fur felt familiar and her deep brown eyes felt so comforting and I began to cry without much recognition of why. Then the memory came; my mind caught up to what my emotional body already knew: Rhodesian Ridge back, Phoenix, living together by the ocean...and this body....this body feels like Phoenix's body.

I know Roxie is not Phoenix. And...I also know that I have been asking/wishing/praying for the impossible--to feel Phoenix in the physical again, not just the spiritual (though that has been so absent too!). And, so I let the tears of gratitude fall, gratitude and sadness, as I continued to lovingly bathe this sweet Being named Roxie.

Then the next most amazing thing happened: Roxie did something so characteristically Phoenix, I almost passed out. She lifted her one hip up to the side of the tub and sat down! Phoenix used to do this on the couch. He was a compulsive leaner. It was one of those quirks that always made me laugh. And I've never seen nor known another dog to do this. My heart filled with this experience.

So, be they coincidences, synchronicities or signs...for them I am tremendously grateful!! They are wishes granted.

Thank you, Spirit. Thank you, Phoenix. Thank you, Sheba and B/T, K and S for helping to open some gate or channel last night. I know that has made some difference. I do.

Blessings to the Web 1000 fold.

Melissa

Is it True??

Dear Web,

I had nothing uplifting to write today and was going to "call it a day." While I have been memorializing events of the last two and half months (and will continue to do because it is a worthy task), I have also been contending with the present immense grief particularly around not feeling Phoenix's presence. As I have mentioned before, my dreams have been particularly poignant for me as a way to stay connected to deeper places in myself and in the Spirit world. And Phoenix has not appeared in my dreams for these last 10 weeks. The only dream I had remotely related was a few days after his return to the Earth. In this dream, I walked into the living room, looked at my other dog and cat (Beetle and Myrrh) and said aloud,
"Where's Phoenix?" with such an innocent tone. There was a long pause while the words settled in the air and then, like a rock dropping inside me, I remembered and collapsed to the floor sobbing in my dream and then into my wake time.

Then nothing. It's felt like I am wandering in a dark labyrinth with high walls so I cannot see anything else but what's right in front of me and that's mostly darkness. At some point in the last couple of weeks, I wondered (one of those random wonderings that just appear in my consciousness), what if Phoenix and I are wandering the labyrinth together?? Nah...that's silly, I told myself. And put the wondering aside. Then yesterday while at the copy shop waiting for help, I overheard this guy come up behind me saying he needed directions; he was lost. I ignored him, since there were others around. Then, I heard something that got my attention: "I'm from Phoenix." OH! I turned around and started helping direct him to where he needed to go. He's from Phoenix (yeh, I know the city, but come on!!)!!! Ok, so I tell myself maybe this is a sign from my Phoenix that he is trying to get to me! Then...there is nothing else, so I let it go.

Then...something else big shows up. Just now, I am in the middle of an email to a dear sister who lost her companion dog a couple years ago and has maintained a strong spiritual connection with her. I have asked this sister to see if her dog can connect somehow with Phoenix and send me a sign, one that is undeniable. The phone rings and it is her telling me to listen, listen, listen to what just happened. She had/has been in contact with her beloved spirit dog (often through the siting of deer who are dear animals to my sister) and asked for a sign and tonight she just got one--a single deer who had been visiting her back yard by herself for many weeks now, brought a companion deer! As she is telling me this I am weeping that it is True, that this is Phoenix!! Could it be!?? This is her sign that she is with Phoenix and that he is finding direction to me through her, my dear sister's beloved!!! Another sister who was also there was taking photos of these two deer and... here's the clincher...the deer did not come out in the photo! It just looks foggy, she says! They were in spirit form!

Is it True!?? Are you getting closer to me, dear Phoenix? Are you making your way with help? Are we getting closer to one another as we move through the labyrinth?? Is it True?

Love,
Melissa