Friday, June 4, 2010

House For Sale, Neighbor An Asshole

Dear Web,

I woke up this morning after a rough night. It was the first night I am alone in the house since Phoenix was killed. My partner had to go to visit family and left yesterday morning. It didn't even occur to me what this meant other than I would be here alone this week. Not until the sun began setting did I begin to feel the anxiety which I immediately masked by popping some popcorn and putting in a movie. Then the movie ended and I headed to bed feeling more anxiety but passed it off as a response to the movie which was pretty weird and a bit spooky, (I watched "The Box"). Climbing into bed, I noticed Beetle acting anxious too, pacing and not settling. That's usually good feedback that there is something up with me or going on energetically. I tried to settle but it took me a long time and mind caught up to what my body already knew....I am truly alone. Beetle is a good dog; she would probably tear anyone up who tried to come in the house. And she is a loose cannon. She is not really grounding or reassuring. She's has the kind of 'the sky is falling' personality. So, it's hard to rely on her for calmness. I usually have to create that for her. With Phoenix, it was the other way around. He exuded reassurance to me (except in thunderstorms!). He was my all ways. So, the anxiety set in for the night. And/But, I made it through.

Then first thing I find on my email this morning is this from our wonderful real estate agent: it's a photograph of a for sale sign in front of a house.


I laughed hysterically until I cried. After Phoenix was shot, I was hysterical. I mean, there were times that I thought I was coming unglued. And...I knew, my partner and I both did, that we had to get out of that house. Sell the house and move. And that was the fuel that kept me glued together. So, by day we both worked our usual jobs plus cleared/cleaned the house to get it ready to sell, and by night, I would collapse into tears usually beginning with the drive home from work and through the time I crawled into bed. The homeopathic remedy "Ignatia" was my regular tonic. The anxiety was unbelievable. We were whirlwinds, really. It was amazing that we both had the energy necessary to do such a big endeavor!

And the anger...was/is immense. When I let myself feel it, I could see how others would want to hurt someone with it. And I did want to hurt my neighbor with it. So many times. In so many ways. There is no way he could have not heard or felt my rage in the air, though I never was direct about it because I was concerned about our safety for the remaining time we had to be there. Mostly I felt it, expressed it aloud and gave it to Spirit and to the Earth. I was gifted much understanding of the ethics of anger. It is not my business how Spirit will right this gigantic wrong; what sort of boomerang affect my neighbor will experience. It is my business to stay on the Web, not become him. So, I did and have done that in all of my integrity, as hard as it was and still is.

And so...we worked and worked to get the house on the market, this challenging real estate market, knowing we might be stuck there for months and maybe years still! But we kept our heads down and did what we needed to do, trusted and prayed, prayed, prayed. And you know what? The first day it was listed, we had an offer! A month and a half later we sold the house and moved into this wonderful new one about 180 degrees around the city from the old one! How's that for a miracle! How's that for the weavings of Repair from Spirit?

So, to find that email this morning with the photograph of the for sale sign, brought this whole experience back up. The anger, the anxiety, and... the miracle.

Blessed are we,

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