Thursday, June 3, 2010

Plodding along

Dearest Web,

For all intents and purposes, I should feel lighter and happier, yes? I mean the events of the last three days or so surely should have a lightening affect?? Instead, I feel achy, heavy, and exhausted. And with all that, I don't feel grounded, settled or even satisfied. Just sad. Just ready to collapse again into a heap of loneliness. How pitiful, I hear myself say, that even when I seem to be getting what I wish for, I am full of sorrow. And...it's where I am. Not to be changed, coerced or judged.

I went to a pet loss support group last night, even though, you, Web, have been weaving such incredible support! I needed to see and hear others who know something of what I am experiencing. There were only two others there; I was hoping for a room full of stories to reach me. But/And there were two gifts that I received from the conversations: one is that this grief is a lonely experience that actually breeds more loneliness and isolation and the other thing was a quote from one of the participants that was affirming and touching. He told of how he was seeking communication with his beloved who transitioned over a year ago so he tried an experiment of writing with his non-dominant hand. He wondered if his instincts about these communications that he sensed were coming in the sounds of birds and other experiences of nature were really communications from the other side or just things that happened to happen (sound familiar??!!). The answer he got through his automatic writing was something like, "I'm alive inside of the wonder itself." Meaning, his beloved companion was already there the moment he wondered if he was there. How's that for some affirmation of the last few days for me?

So, for that, I am grateful. For the love of the Web, I am grateful. For my own plodding patience with my in-the-dark-process whose end I cannot see nor imagine, I am grateful. And for whatever eyes and hearts witness these web logs (I like that term so much better than the word blog which has such an inane sound to it and suggests such meaninglessness) and are touched and send their support, I am grateful. And for having a space to encounter this labyrinthine process and express it/make meaning of it into the WEB, I am grateful.

Sad, heavy, exhausted and grateful,
Melissa

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