It is now 2016, three days now. You came to me in dream the other night, replaying the trauma of your death, though the conditions were different. You, Myrrh and I were taking a walk and I noticed how our path was getting closer to a busy road, so I tried to call you both away. You kept going, not on a leash, and I saw the inevitable unfolding. It was so painful of a re-living that even my dream self couldn't actually show me the event. There was a blank moment in the dream and then I am there seeing you in the road after you had been hit by a car, but you are not dead yet. You are trying to get up, clearly in pain and distress, and I am far away and cannot run fast enough to get to you to hold you in the last moments of your life. There are people around you acting confused by what to do; they are not your person and your person cannot get to you. I cannot get to you. I run and run and run and I cannot get to you to hold you into your death.
It has been over five years now and also not even five seconds since that day, March 19, 2010. Three weeks ago O's beloved dog Ferron was hit by a car and killed instantly. The trauma of that is still with me too. From the other side of the WEb, I have asked you to meet Ferron and help her find her way back to O...and you, along with other beloveds on that side, have done exactly that and more. Thank you, Phoenix. Thank you. We now have Amoja, Female Magic, to love and adore. And you and Beetle have combined forces to send me Hestia, my beloved Bassett. She is 'the short one' as per Beetle (who died Sept. 23 2014 from tongue cancer). I am grateful for my life with my life here on this side of the WEb and my life with you through the threads between. It is not always easy, nor does it always/often feel fair. When you come to me in dreams, I remember the pain as well as the lovely comfort of you in my physical life and I am grateful for that as well as the reaching across the veils to me. And I love knowing you are just right there. Right there. Never left my side. Sometimes you come through Hestia, sometimes now with Amoja, certainly with Ferron and sometimes I just know you are there when I talk to you, your photo. I just know it. Thank you, my beloved guardian Phoenix. I am so sorry you died there without me in that moment. And I know that all that we have done together over the years since then has been a repairing of that horrific tear. It is what She does...Life seeks to return, to repair. And so, we continue to do so in the face of hideous and painful rips and tears on the WEb, on our hearts and lives. There is no 'lesson' to be learned, no karma to be paid. There is patriarchal violence/hate, there are terrible careless mistakes and accidents, there is death who comes in many guises all of which are loss. And there is Life, She Who seeks to return, to repair.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
