Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Change

Beloved Phoenix on the WEb,

      Tonight I see you in the photo beside my chair and I am washed over with incomprehension again.  How things have changed since that photograph was taken, there at that house, partnered with J., and doing all the things we did together as a family.  How much I loved that way then, how I don't consider the relationship a failure at all.  It was the best partnership I will ever have, I have no doubt. I loved J. through and through, we loved each other the same way and took great care and respect for maintaining that love.  It was perfect. And... it didn't last forever.  Sometimes I cannot integrate that; it just doesn't compute. I cannot understand why J. had to disappear, how that relationship has had to just go, disappear, die. It's not transformed into something different.  There was no tranformation, no reforming.  It's died in that awfullest sense of death.  A disappearance. Gone.

      And I sat there looking at your photo, allowing scenes and memories float in the stream of my grief again.  With each one, I comb with the questions: was I really happy?  Was it here I was 'missing' something?  Was it here things began to go? Yes, I was really happy with J.  I wasn't missing anything.  I don't know when things began to go.  It's heartbreaking to see how good it was in its integrity and acknowledge that it just didn't last forever.  And aren't we told good things last forever?  Happily ever after!?  And if they don't, where's the fault? 

      Here I sit now in my 'new life' pretty happy too.  I continue to love and be loved very well.  And the next thoughts move into what feels inevitable, based on the cycles of my life: what will be lost in the inevitable changes to come?!  Like a phoenix, my life seems to move through lifetimes and within each one, honestly, I have loved and been loved relatively well.  I am so very fortunate.  So very fortunate.  Sure, as I understood the world better, I saw through the lies of many parts of my life. And, I can say pretty surely that each part, each lifetime, was a privilidge.  The women, in particular, have been stellar women who taught me so very much.

     "Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I build my life around you." sings Stevie Nicks...and I.  I feel afraid of changing again. It's been so hard; you know this as best as I do. So very hard.  Somehow I believe that if I see this one coming, I can mitigate it, not feel the blow so hard, maybe steer the ship a bit more away from the wreck. Maybe somehow stay outside it. I feel anxious much of the time these days because of this.  Tonight and last night I let myself feel the grief of what I've lost and the fear and seemingly helplessness of what is to come. 

      Change.  Can I handle more changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life again no matter the cost?  Is there a way of reassuring myself of being able to keep the precious things/relations in my life without lying to myself?  I don't know.  Phoenix, I ask for your help.  You and I have maintained a connection.  Our lives together have transformed.  Together.  I need to keep threaded to that possibility.

My grand love for you, Phoenix.
Me