Thursday, July 29, 2010

Going back again...


Dear Web,

Repair calls for going back. Not just once, or twice....multiple times. Ask any spider. She knows what's required in repairing her web. She'd say it's not just about moving forward across the web, it's about moving in all different directions, crisscrossing one strand or another made yesterday or last week. That means...going back.

So, today a sister and I went back to my old house. My intent was two-fold: I wanted my eyes to see that I do not live there anymore and I wanted to collect any remnants of me who might be still lingering there, waiting for me to come back. On the drive there, I prayed there would be no one around, particularly D., the murderer. As it turns out, all cars were at all the neighbors' houses, including his. And...I saw him 4 times. 4 times as he walked in front of the car several times. I like to think he was nervous by our presence. Anyway, enough of him. He's so not worth the print on this page or the energy to type it.

What is more noteworthy is how the land looked so much in disarray! The grass was overgrown, the weeds had totally taken over the sunflower garden, and the new owner had cleared a bunch of land beside the house and piled it in the yard, so there were tree limbs, an uprooted tree, knarled branches etc. The place felt dead, spiritually. He'd poured a concrete slab beside the house and placed a camper there where he must be living, so the house literally didn't feel lived in. We didn't get out or walk about because of the lurking D.. I was not prepared for a confrontation; it was not my intent, tho my sister, C., had my back if it came to it, she said! (thank you, C.!!! I couldn't have gone there without you!)

We did drive down the driveway before leaving and looked closer at the house and the land closer in. Uncared for. He has forsaken this land. I feel tremendous sadness about that. We loved that land. Our hearts were there. And this guy, this new owner, has totally forsaken Her. And...you know...how appropo. The house had the feeling of an abandoned house that you might come across and immediately have a sense of 'ooooh, what happened here??'. Something horrible happened here, after years of wonderful happened here. The weeds are totally in consumption mode. And...there's something very natural and right about that, actually. If I can get past the sadness.

So, after we left I felt mostly disconnected from myself. Later in processing the experience I wore myself out crying, sobbing from down deep again. That is ok and a totally natural response. And...you know...there was a moment when I got on the highway and headed east towards our new house where I felt relief and comfort that THIS is where I live now and that Phoenix visits me in my dreams HERE.

That place is no longer my home or where my heart is. She is in Her own state of reclaiming. I send my gratitude for all those years of being held by Her. I did not forsake her. We enriched Her and She, us. May She hold those years of Love deep down and drink from it, when thirsty.

Blessed be,
Melissa

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Dream for my Arms

Good morning, dear Web,

Last night I had a dream: I hear Beetle barking outside. I go to the door and call for her to come in. Around the corner races Phoenix! He leaps up onto the deck and there at the doorway he comes right into my arms! I can hardly believe it and pray that it will last more than just a moment. I am aware this is a dream, but real, so I pay attention to all the sensations of Phoenix in my arms again.

My arms still recall everything this morning.

Blessed be Phoenix in my arms. Thank you Beetle for getting me to the doorway.

Love,
Melissa

Monday, July 26, 2010

Just writing to see what comes...

Dear Web,

It's been many days since I've last written. I am writing now because I want to feel close to Phoenix. I miss him everyday whether it registers as tears or not. I miss his sweetness. I miss his jolly sense of humor. I miss his attention. I miss giving him my attention. I miss the way our bodies seemed to just enjoy being around one another. It seems that no matter what else I may be experiencing, it's all held in a container of grief. I may be feeling inspired, happy, laughing, angry, disappointed, self-judging and every time, just below the surface, is the grief, is the reminder that I am without Phoenix for companionship, for comfort, for understanding, for just not feeling so alone on the planet in the unique way only Phoenix provided.

This weekend we went to a sanctuary for wolves and wolf-dog hybrids. They are only open to the public for tours periodically, usually on full moons. So, we went to check it out. Phoenix did not look like these beings there, though there were some mannerisms that I saw that touched me. They made my heart ache and something else more deeply stir. It was a familiar wildness in the way two of them brushed against one another or placed their head on the other's back, for examples. They were quick gestures, but had a timeless recognition to me. I had my sunglasses on so there was no one to see my tears of longing.

How then does one live after the loss of this kind of companion, this kind of wild relationship with another? There was one wolf who was in a pen inside a pen because she had such a compromised immune system that exposure to the others could be deadly. The tour guide told us her story: when she came in she had terrible mange and was very ill. The vet told the owner of this sanctuary that this animal should be dead, but is holding on. M., the owner, took her to her home (a few miles away) to keep her in isolation and treated her everyday to try to nurse her back to some strength. Every day this sick wolf would howl and the other wolves who were at the sanctuary would howl back. In spite of everything M. did this wolf would not respond and she got closer to death. Finally they called an animal communicator and the message was simple: "If I cannot be with my people, give me the blue needle and let me go." So, they moved her to the sanctuary to be near the others into this pen inside a pen, and she has improved ever since.

Maybe that is how one lives...near one's people, best we can, even if it's a pen inside a pen. My grief certainly keeps me feeling I am in a pen of sorts, a container. I choose to be in this container because I want to be truest to myself. People have intimated to me that I can CHOOSE to be free of my grief-- I just have to want to choose to be free. And that's probably true. Feeling is almost always a choice. And it's a choice I always move towards. To not feel my grief would certainly make things easier for others, particularly if they have little tolerance for their own grief. I am learning though that I can be in my grief and in many other things too. And to forsake my grief is to forsake my love.

So, here I am...in my container of grief, surrounded by a larger container of Love. Perhaps, this is Phoenix's greatest legacy to me.
Blessed be you, my dear Phoenix.
Melissa

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Waking up

Dear Web,

Last night I had a dream that Phoenix was at the Vet's office waiting for me to pick him up. That's where he's been all this time. I'd just forgotten.

Of course, I woke up and sadly remembered he is gone and why/how. But this notion of 'waking up' has been strange.

Over the last months I have been having strange experiences of something in the house getting my attention and I feel I am waking up from something. I have an odd momentary sense of myself, "Where am I? How did I get here?...It's lovely. The pond, the light that comes in the windows. The roses.... But how did I get here?" It's like I am waking up from something. And sometimes in the morning as I am literally waking up, I wonder similarly, "Why do I keep waking up in this place? Where is my old room?" It's all very subtle and quick. Like if I wasn't paying attention, I'd miss that sense of 'where am I?" and "how did I get here?"

Another one of my tenderhearted memories with Phoenix is waking up. Very, very rarely did I wake up in the morning before him and get to watch him wake up. He almost always beat me to the first look! Even if I didn't stir, he'd sense me waking up. I don't know if he would hear my breathing shift or what, but almost always when my eyes would open, his would be looking so lovingly at me from his curled up nest. And of course each night I enjoyed just watching him let go into sleep. He was such a peaceful sleeper. Perhaps he thought the same of me and that's why he like to be the first one to greet my eyes and heart each morning.

So, this notion of waking up has my attention today, particularly because of this morning's dream where I was dreaming that I just hadn't 'woken up' to the fact Phoenix was simply at the vet waiting for me to come get him. Am I in a dream, a really bad dream, right now living without him that part of me is struggling to wake up and find my beloved companion in such an obvious misplaced place? Or is it because this new home feels so idyllic and dreamy sometimes that I am confused by being in such a place without my beloved Phoenix? Or are those parts of me, those tender deeply terrified parts of me, who are still in shock slowly waking up to what has happened and who hasn't survived?

There are philosophers/writers who have written about the notion that there is someone else who is dreaming us to life and when that someone wakes up, our lives are over. I don't know about that, though it is an intriguing notion for someone like me who dreams vividly. I also recall Demi Moore who starred in a movie called "Passion of Mind" where she played a character who dreams of herself waking up into another lifetime each time she goes to sleep. She is terribly troubled because she is not sure which lifetime is 'real'. In those quick and subtle moments during the day when, say for example, the top of a doorway catches my attention, I share that momentary trouble of disorientation. But every time, I wish for only one thing: Phoenix to gallop into my arms. If that happened, it wouldn't matter where I was, I'd be wide awake at Home.

Love,
Melissa

Monday, July 5, 2010

Heron again

Dear Web,

Almost every night over the last month or so, after I get home from work, Beetle and I 'do our rounds'. I let her loose from her fenced in yard and we go down to the pond to check the water flow. Then we check some other things, make our way back around the pond from the creek and back up the other side of the house to her yard again. We both really like this and so far Beetle hasn't seen or chased any wild animals (ie the bears who have been visiting recently).

Tonight though, Beetle stirred up a heron who was down in the creek! Her awkward squawk and huge body jumped up into the air and she flapped a few strokes only to land a bit away. I called Beetle immediately not wanting her to pursue this exquisite prehistoric looking bird. And strangely enough, Beetle came to me. Usually when Beetle goes into her chasing mode, she's hard to break out of her trance. But she came right to me this time. I was stunned both to find this incredible creature so close and because Beetle seemed to just stir her up so I could see her, nothing else.

Herons have been long associated with the legendary Phoenix in some cultures.

In Love,
Melissa

Friday, July 2, 2010

July 2nd

Dear Web,
I have to write this whole story today. This is so exquisitely private and intimate and vulnerable. There are eyes who may read it and not understand, so not understand. And it's a story that needs to be told because it's true and real and powerful. You will understand it all when I am through. The pieces, they are many.

It is July 2nd....this is important. Bear with me.

On June 28th, I reported the following about a dream: "Phoenix appeared first time in full body. He looked like the photo I have worked with...In the dream, he looked like this photo, intact. He was on the deck of this house. I wonder if it means he's telling me he's here! And is together....The other dream was interesting too....(at one point) there above our heads came sparkling lights. At first I start to run then stop. She (teacher in the dream) says, 'What? Can't you appreciate the responsiveness from the other side?!'...I wonder if the two are related. If they are a response to my despair last night."

That's Monday I woke up with that dream. Then the next few days I was in a strange state of disbelief and unsettledness. Hadn't told anyone anything. Then Thursday, a sister tells me that she saw a truck called Phoenix Transportation and wondered if that was related to Phoenix from the other side. Nothing clicked for me since I was in a daze really. Then later that same morning, three herons showed up at the pond--two teaching a young one to fly. Later that same day, I see a deer on a walk. (This I believe is in yesterday's entry, yes). Ok...

So, last night I am settling down to go to sleep, turn the light off and Beetle doesn't settle which is very unusual. Finally, she lays down beside my bed, nearest to me while her bed is on the other side of the room. This is extremely weird. The floor is hard, she likes comfort. But, I go to sleep anyway.

In the middle of the night, I hear Beetle moving around over by the bathroom door. Again, very unusual behavior. She's not asking to go out. Just moving around. This door is beside the altar I've set up for Phoenix and my mind begins to wonder if he's got her trying to get my attention, tell me something. I look at the time--it's just after midnight. It's just become July 2nd. (this does not dawn on me yet) Waking up at midnight is unusual for me, so I take note. I figure maybe Phoenix is getting Beetle to tell me it's time to put the pieces of this photo back together which I had cut up in honor of the information I got from S., the Shaman, about his fragmentation.

This morning, I get up and spend some quiet focussed time piecing the whole photo back together. Still in a daze, really, but sensing something big is happening with all the pieces. I walk the labyrinth in honor of the wholeness of this photo and this thing that seems to be happening, but still I cannot fully 'see' it or trust it. You know what I mean?

At work, I do my usual things. And as I am leaving for the night, a coworker wishes me a good July 4th. In my head I begin thinking of what I may do that day and what it means to me. And how really, it's just a day, like any other. I mean, like, today is July 2nd. What's so special.....about........this......day......

AND THEN I SEE!!! TODAY PHOENIX IS 11 YEARS OLD. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY. HE CAME BACK TO ME ON HIS BIRTHDAY. AND IT'S FRIDAY.

You see, Friday is the day of the week he was murdered. Every Friday since then has been a memorial of anxiety, sadness and grief. Several months ago, my dear sister, C. said to me, maybe one day Phoenix will give you back Fridays. I sobbed then, unable to imagine the possibility that it could be anything other than deep heart sorrow. And here it is. A Friday. His Birthday. Our beginning, again. This is something hugely different.

Thank you, Spirit. Thank you Phoenix. I love you, deeply.

It's July 2nd. What a gift I've been given again on this day.
Love,
Melissa

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fearless Love

Dear Web,

I've been quiet for some time, not because I lacked anything to write. I've felt quiet, private, with some of my experiences. And then, I've also felt some disconnection from myself and Phoenix. Moving in and out of both of those things and many others, of course. Right now I'm feeling more connected with myself and wanted to write something from this place.

There have been things that have happened where I feel Phoenix's side of the conversation between us--his communication of his presence here in this new home through an explicit dream and his communication of sending me a deer siting just today. Phoenix had a deer quality to him--when he'd sleep he'd fold up his long legs and curl up like a fawn sometimes. He was a real mixture of energy--deer, wolf, dog, coyote, seahorse...yes, other times he'd sleep in a position that looked like a little seahorse! T'was soooo sweet. I so miss his sweetness. Have cried much today about missing his steadfast sweetness.

I've recently discovered Melissa Etheridge's new album called Fearless Love. She sings, "I need a Fearless Love. No need to fear the end..." And I've been listening to her sing that song a lot recently. I turn it way up in the car and scream along with her. She has been through her own labyrinth's of fear, the unknown, facing death through cancer etc. I respect her greatly. She and Ellen were very important to my courage to 'come out'. And I've been thinking a lot about courage recently as I continue to navigate my way through this labyrinth with Phoenix and also continue to mourn what's happening in the Gulf to the creatures and the water. I think that losing Phoenix to malicious murder is about the worst thing that could happen to me, to my heart and soul. I cannot imagine anything worse, actually. This has challenged me the most about choosing to stay on the planet, more than anything else I've encountered. Melissa sings, "I am what I am, I am what I am afraid of....WHAT AM I AFRAID OF!?" I ask myself that question several times a day when I feel myself cower in the face of someone, something, some situation...you name it....and I am reminded....WHAT I AM AFRAID OF HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.....and I am still Here.

And the cowering lessens. What am I afraid of?
Truly....deeply....nothing. anymore.

Striving for acts of fearless love,
Melissa

Thank you, Melissa Etheridge for your courage again!