Going back again...

Dear Web,

Repair calls for going back. Not just once, or twice....multiple times. Ask any spider. She knows what's required in repairing her web. She'd say it's not just about moving forward across the web, it's about moving in all different directions, crisscrossing one strand or another made yesterday or last week. That means...going back.

So, today a sister and I went back to my old house. My intent was two-fold: I wanted my eyes to see that I do not live there anymore and I wanted to collect any remnants of me who might be still lingering there, waiting for me to come back. On the drive there, I prayed there would be no one around, particularly D., the murderer. As it turns out, all cars were at all the neighbors' houses, including his. And...I saw him 4 times. 4 times as he walked in front of the car several times. I like to think he was nervous by our presence. Anyway, enough of him. He's so not worth the print on this page or the energy to type it.

What is more noteworthy is how the land looked so much in disarray! The grass was overgrown, the weeds had totally taken over the sunflower garden, and the new owner had cleared a bunch of land beside the house and piled it in the yard, so there were tree limbs, an uprooted tree, knarled branches etc. The place felt dead, spiritually. He'd poured a concrete slab beside the house and placed a camper there where he must be living, so the house literally didn't feel lived in. We didn't get out or walk about because of the lurking D.. I was not prepared for a confrontation; it was not my intent, tho my sister, C., had my back if it came to it, she said! (thank you, C.!!! I couldn't have gone there without you!)

We did drive down the driveway before leaving and looked closer at the house and the land closer in. Uncared for. He has forsaken this land. I feel tremendous sadness about that. We loved that land. Our hearts were there. And this guy, this new owner, has totally forsaken Her. And...you know...how appropo. The house had the feeling of an abandoned house that you might come across and immediately have a sense of 'ooooh, what happened here??'. Something horrible happened here, after years of wonderful happened here. The weeds are totally in consumption mode. And...there's something very natural and right about that, actually. If I can get past the sadness.

So, after we left I felt mostly disconnected from myself. Later in processing the experience I wore myself out crying, sobbing from down deep again. That is ok and a totally natural response. And...you know...there was a moment when I got on the highway and headed east towards our new house where I felt relief and comfort that THIS is where I live now and that Phoenix visits me in my dreams HERE.

That place is no longer my home or where my heart is. She is in Her own state of reclaiming. I send my gratitude for all those years of being held by Her. I did not forsake her. We enriched Her and She, us. May She hold those years of Love deep down and drink from it, when thirsty.

Blessed be,
Melissa