Fearless Love

Dear Web,

I've been quiet for some time, not because I lacked anything to write. I've felt quiet, private, with some of my experiences. And then, I've also felt some disconnection from myself and Phoenix. Moving in and out of both of those things and many others, of course. Right now I'm feeling more connected with myself and wanted to write something from this place.

There have been things that have happened where I feel Phoenix's side of the conversation between us--his communication of his presence here in this new home through an explicit dream and his communication of sending me a deer siting just today. Phoenix had a deer quality to him--when he'd sleep he'd fold up his long legs and curl up like a fawn sometimes. He was a real mixture of energy--deer, wolf, dog, coyote, seahorse...yes, other times he'd sleep in a position that looked like a little seahorse! T'was soooo sweet. I so miss his sweetness. Have cried much today about missing his steadfast sweetness.

I've recently discovered Melissa Etheridge's new album called Fearless Love. She sings, "I need a Fearless Love. No need to fear the end..." And I've been listening to her sing that song a lot recently. I turn it way up in the car and scream along with her. She has been through her own labyrinth's of fear, the unknown, facing death through cancer etc. I respect her greatly. She and Ellen were very important to my courage to 'come out'. And I've been thinking a lot about courage recently as I continue to navigate my way through this labyrinth with Phoenix and also continue to mourn what's happening in the Gulf to the creatures and the water. I think that losing Phoenix to malicious murder is about the worst thing that could happen to me, to my heart and soul. I cannot imagine anything worse, actually. This has challenged me the most about choosing to stay on the planet, more than anything else I've encountered. Melissa sings, "I am what I am, I am what I am afraid of....WHAT AM I AFRAID OF!?" I ask myself that question several times a day when I feel myself cower in the face of someone, something, some situation...you name it....and I am reminded....WHAT I AM AFRAID OF HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.....and I am still Here.

And the cowering lessens. What am I afraid of?
Truly....deeply....nothing. anymore.

Striving for acts of fearless love,
Melissa

Thank you, Melissa Etheridge for your courage again!