What's growing in my womb?

Dear WEb,
Six years ago today, to the date, I had abdominal surgery to remove my uterus because she thought there were multiple fibroids growing in there. When she opened me up, she saw one very large fibroid tumor attached to the main artery that fed my right ovary. Because I had emphatically told her before going in that I wanted to keep my uterus if at all possible, she honored that and just took the fibroid. She also removed my right ovary because the tumor was too close to the ovary and I was losing blood rapidly. I have been tremendously grateful to still have my monthly cycles for these six years!

Three years ago they checked my womb and they found a couple small fibroids growing again. We agreed I'd keep an eye on things. So, I put if off long enough and yesterday I went back for a transvaginal ultrasound to check on how things are 'down there'. Still the two small ones, one is even a bit smaller, and she found a small cyst on my left ovary. While it was an uncomfortable experience, I am grateful for the information. And I am just now beginning to reflect on what this means to me.

The giant fibroid removed six years ago meant something to me back then. I had danced with this thing for many years, holistically. Made meaning of it, tried various treatments and finally reached the point where I'd had enough carrying it around, supplying it with my life force. Plus, I believe it ballooned in size it's last three months of existence because it was an extremely difficult time in my life. Unexpectedly, a former partner had betrayed me and stolen things from me. I was an emotional wreck for several months before deciding it was time to have this abdominal surgery. So, this time in going back to my womb to see what was going on, I was quite nervous. These last six months my stress level has been at an all time high having again been unexpectedly betrayed in the worst way. Last week in anticipating yesterday's appointment, I broke down in fear that if I 'grew' a giant fibroid the last major stressful time in my life then no telling what they will find now!!!!
And I assured myself that I have been tremendously supported these last 9 months by myself and my so many others. Surely that will make a difference!

It has. Something has. And I am grateful. So grateful. And....then last night, I began to wonder: so now I know what is growing 'down there'/'in there'....what do I WANT to be growing in my womb? And I began to get scared. Yes, the fear arose fast. The fear of not knowing what I want to grow. The fear that because I don't know what to grow, these things will take over again. Or...if I do know what to grow and can't/fail somehow, then the space will be invaded again. Or...if I do know what to grow and do...what if they still take over?? When all of this was happening at work, I had to make myself breathe. I could feel a familiar anxiety attack coming on...one like would happen at work after Phoenix was shot. So, I breathed my way through. And tonight I am revisiting those very important questions from yesterday and from years ago after that surgery when a practitioner asked me that very question: What do you want to grow in your womb?

I don't know. Certainly not tumors or cysts. That's for sure. Then my dear K. sent me things to read about Winter Solstice and in the packet there were writings about the pause, the still point of Winter Solstice, when the growing darkness comes to an end, when fear can crop up with the unknown, when we face the longest night. Well, I'm on the Wheel this time. Right on time.

Blessed be. The end of the growing Dark. I can certainly welcome that this year!! And...winter is just beginning. There are still cold dark nights ahead. Time to be with/in my womb.

Love,
Melissa