Mid-line

Dear WEb,

I am wondering about my mid-line...no, not my waist line...go vertical from there...yes, my mid-line up through the center of me. There have been some interesting related things that have happened over the last several weeks that I'd like to record officially 'on the WEb' here.

Several weeks ago, I went to my new chiropractor for an adjustment. My low back often flares up with spasm and I thought I'd go to be proactive about what was feeling like another flare up. I do not like chiropractic adjustments. They often freak me out. I tell my chiropractor that I am a crisis client--I only go when there is a crisis. The somatic experience of feeling someone's weight on me with the intent to move my bones is triggering to me. I feel like I am going to be crushed. It takes a lot of conscious energy to relax and trust her and what is happening. And above all, above ALL, I do not ever want my neck to be manually manipulated (aka my neck cracked). There is no amount of conscious energy that I can summon to relax myself for that. It's out of the question. So for years, my old chiropractor has used those woodpecker things to adjust my neck just fine.

I'd been going to this new chiropractor off and on for several months now. I felt like she knew me well enough to remember my strong aversion to the neck thing, so this most recent visit I didn't mention it when she began stretching my neck around. I felt a little anxiety come up and then I talked myself down reassuring myself that she knew/remembered and was just stretching my neck: Ok, I can let go into these stretches, relax, relax. Then...she did it. She forgot and did it. It was swift. And, there I went...big time into reaction. I flashed on a time sometime from long ago, another lifetime, someone broke my neck by twisting my head like that. It was gruesome. I thought I might pass out. I thought I might throw up. I did neither and left the office with as much composure as I could manage. Then the emotions came...tears flooded out...had no name...just flooded out of my eyes. There was a purity to the emotion and tears, but I didn't have a name for them. I thought about Phoenix...how I wished he was there for me through this. And..then I thought nothing..just sobbed.

Oh, another piece in this is I'd been feeling strong grief going into the appointment. I haven't told this chiropractor about Phoenix and wondered if there would be a time to do that or if I really wanted to get into emotional stuff with her. Anyway, I was wearing a sweatshirt that I got at the wolf-dog rescue place and on the back there is an image of a wolf's head. When she was adjusting my back, she place her hands on the middle of my back and told me to take a breath. Then she said the oddest thing, "I've got the spot right between the eyes here." At first, I didn't know what she meant and thought she was talking about just my shoulder blades since that is where she was. Then I realized she was talking about the image of the wolf's face. Right between the eyes...the reference to being shot made me shudder inside, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Then she moved onto my neck...

So, the next day, I noticed something odd. I had three pimples on my face down my midline--forehead (between my eyes), upper lip and chin. It wasn't odd in someways because I was getting ready to bleed and that often happens to may face. It was odd in their placement. The next day, I noticed a pimple on my upper chest, also near my midline. Wow. How strange. I wondered if something integrative was happening inside and this was a sign on the outside. And, I very much wondered what was unleashed/released after that adjustment. My head moved so much better for a few days but/and...and, I didn't feel right inside. I found myself on the floor several times that next week, sobbing. Right back where I had been so many times, but this time I was riveted to that image of the bones/skeletons which I've written about. It felt severe and scary. My will in this place was gone, as you recall from previous posts. And throughout, my back has been weak, hurting and in general I've not felt well at all.

Moving on through time, yesterday I was down in the crawl space getting some things and I stood up too soon, banging my head against a beam. The impact was so hard it knocked me down on my back. I don't think I lost consciousness, but I may have for a split second. It was a very hard hit and I fell like a felled tree going down. I had no control even though I struggled to keep myself upright. My legs are so sore today because of how hard I was trying to keep myself standing. I called Beetle over and she stood by me, my hand holding onto the scruff of her neck. I breathed and told myself I was ok. Then I got up and iced my head.

As I was talking to my partner about what happened, I said that I banged the crown of my head--the soft spot. She said, "No that's just with infants." Then she said something about that spot in babies has to be protected until both sides of the skull grow to meet in the middle. Oh, the middle. The mid-line. Of course.

I am not sure what all of these pieces mean, but I can say they are related. And intriguing. To top it off, when I was at the ocean on vacation about a month ago, my attention was riveted many times to the sight of two tide pools at low tide, particularly where one had water and the other was dry. As the tide moved in there was often a channel that formed between them, bringing the dry side water, through the midline, evening them out. That is what the photo above is. There's something there/happening for me. Integration? Whatever that really means.

Whatever it is, I trust the intelligence of it/me/Her. And I follow. Through the pain. With curiosity. At least that's how I feel right now, today.

Love,
Melissa