So much

Dear WEb,
There is so much that could be recorded here on the WEb. I've not written because of the so much. Plus, sometimes things defy words/expression for another's eyes and ears. The experience sometimes feels like it's just for me, my insides, my innermost world, my womb.

I've been on retreat. There were two days I was off from work last week after the Winter Solstice and before the Christian holy day, so I decided to be on retreat. No computer, no movies, no reading books/stories, no going anywhere, no chit chat, minimal conversations of any sort. The only music I listened to over and over and over again was a cd made by a sister in honor of the Winter Solstice gathering we had last weekend. I was transported deeper and deeper as I listened to this mostly instrumental music. I cleared out a closet and a room that had begun to get cluttered. It was a room where I have my art supplies, it's a space I've done art but not in a long time. I organized and cleared. And when I was done, I created an altar on the floor. It's an altar for me and for Phoenix, our love, our undying connection, the pact between the dead and the living that I am still learning to trust. And outside on Phoenix's gravesite, I created a matching altar. It felt important to honor as within, so without.

Also on this retreat I had loads of fear come up. This is part of the process that defies expression really. Suffice is to say, I am grateful to have had the phone support from a sister to get me through some of the deepest darkness again. I am learning more and more about myself, my losses and my fears. I'm learning about the biographical loss of my twin and the transpersonal loss of someone like a twin. I'm learning about the desperation that accompanies both losses. It's big. And each time I visit this place, I feel such fierce compassion and want to frantically DO something to help such inconsolable loss. Such ferocity to not live one more second with this kind of pain.

Today there are 12 inches of snow on the ground. When I am outside in it, I still feel I am in that altered state of my retreat. I am grateful for all the support in having such a retreat from the fray of the world. I am most grateful to have time for myself with Phoenix. And...I know he was here...the night after I created the altar, in the middle of the night I was awakened by one of the sturdy rocks around the altar fall and roll. Yes, fall and roll. When I looked the next morning, it had in fact fallen over, but no evidence of rolling! Ah, Phoenix, you are such a funny boy!

Love,
Melissa