Memorial Day 2011

Dear WEb,
Today is the day before Memorial Day, the day of memory, usually the day of remembering those who have died in battle. This time on the Wheel, I re-member my Beloved who died and myself, who almost died.

I begin with where I was on August 19th of last year...I was at a crossroads with my Will to either live this life out without Phoenix or not. It was a scary place and a very necessary one, one that I have just recently reminded myself of as things have been very hard with my most intimate two legged Relation. I have felt like we are too now at a similar crossroads with the cultivated relationship/life that is between us. Another scary and necessary place. So, I turn back to August 19th for some help...

Part of the poem I wrote that week included the following guidance: “...if you decide that you cannot go any further, then the new life will die with you.”

My Will then was to risk living without my most beloved four-legged Guardian Companion Phoenix. I chose to stay. In staying I have also come to find out what that ‘new life’ is that didn’t die. She came in the form of a new two-legged intimate Relation who has helped me/my Beingness to Return. I am also that ‘new life’ Returned and I have felt hardly recognizable to myself sometimes. When Phoenix was shot, one of the first coherent thoughts I had and kept repeating was: “I will never be the same.” It was the only Truth I understood then and still didn’t really know what it meant. As the year went on, the profound changes that began with that statement started to surface from the Deep. And the effects of not being the same have become evident in with my most intimate two legged relation. It is hard. So hard. right now.

And much of the time I have not been kind to myself. Re-reading that entry from August and remembering that there is a new life that my Will and Return has created...whew....it is a profound responsibility to see myself through this. I am responsible to that new life. I chose to say "Yes" to this.

This gesture is a ‘prayer’ to that new life that is weaving something with myself and my two-legged intimate Relations. It’s a reminder that this situation is not just me ‘behaving badly’...this is about the new life that came last August with a choice of Will. It is part of my profound responsibiltiy to recognize this life, this crossroads. I am hearing this song sung by Melissa Etheridge as that ‘new life’ singing to me, so when she sings "When you are at the end of your rope, come find me" she is that new life calling me to remember...

I turn the song/music “Heaven on Earth” and do just that....I re-member my many facetted love and my responsibility to this new life and new and old love.

Love,
Me