An Evening Labyrinth Walk

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,
Tonight I walked the Labyrinth right at dusk. I entered when I could still see most of what was around me and by the time I reached Center and began my Return, it was darkening. But the beloved white stones lit the way. I felt the familiarity of this walk, these stones, the lavender, rosemary, lemon balm and those precious lamb's/Phoenix ears....they make me cry everytime because I feel your ears in my hands. I am flooded with that sensory memory of us walking beside one another and I reach down and hold your ear, like it's your hand in mine. Has it been over a year? That hardly seems real. A lifetime ago and...just yesterday. I long for the simplicity of us.

Today i told A. the story of the dress you sent me last year, just a month or so after you were taken. Remember how I would go to work so sad, so so very sad and sometimes I would leave on my break just to go cry. That day I went to Goodwill because sometimes I experience magic in Goodwills. I go in and defocus. I let go of intent of finding any particular thing. My eyes lead me and I often find the most interesting amazing things. So, I went that day in hopes that maybe something would find me other than the intense longing for you. There I stood in front of some rack of anonymous clothes, crying, longing. And then, the magic: you turned me around and I heard you tell me something like this without words, "There, that is the dress I want you to wear when you think of me." And there was the most brightly colored dress full of shapes related to the ocean--starfish etc. That was just like you to send me something so happy, so joyful. That's how you were most of the time--jolly, happy and playful, except when I left. Then you were sad. We called you "Mr. Sad Sacks" because you were bereft when I left and forever waiting for my return.

So, tonight I'm feeling sad sacks, myself. I wore that dress today and loved remembering the story and getting to tell it. It takes me to you. I've been so focused on other things these days, since my Return at Spring Equinox, that when I remember you, sometimes it feels like a different lifetime. Then tonight, the grief rushes in again, your ears in my hands.

I miss you. I miss our Life that was you and I. Things feel somewhat tentative right now with different aspects of my life. I do realize that a solid ground is important for me, so I feel renewed in my commitment to maintain as much of that as possible. Not because I fear change or cannot deal with instability. Shit I've lived a year of that. No, there are relationships in my life that are ground for me, like you were, Phoenix, only different. I don't know if I'd be ok without those grounds. Not because I am not capable of creating that for myself, but because I want ground with these particular relations.

Likewise there are relations that are water for me, like you were, Phoenix, only different. These relations flow. We merge and follow through the depths of emotions and the unspoken with one another. It's a watery place. We are are not afraid of getting stuck here because we know the logic of flow. I don't know if I'd be ok without these waters. Not because I am not capable of creating that for myself, but because I want flow with these particular relations.

I want a place to root and I want a place to flow. I need both. I want both. And this post has certainly flowed to somewhere other than I originally thought. Thank you for the space to follow, Phoenix. Thank you for the guidance of your ears.
My deepest love,
Me