The Day My Gramma died

Dear WEb and Phoenix,
I turn to you again, for a connection with some sense of Wholeness in a world that feels like fragmentation.

Today is the anniversary of my Gramma's death in 1997. She is the one and only two-legged being in my life to whom I grew up comfortably saying "I love you". It was always easy to say that to my animals, but never to my family members, except for Gramma. It never felt like it had much meaning. I loved them and they, me. We loved each other in ways that we were comfortable with and saying it never felt comfortable. Even now. But, my Gramma....she and I shared an emotional connection that I did not share with any other family member. I've always cherished that, reminding myself that it is possible for me to have that.

And, as an adult I've most assuredly had that with my beloved partner of almost 8 years. We are shifting and changing in our relationship. My heart is breaking. We are at some crossroads where both of us don't know where to go or how to get anywhere beyond this heartbreaking pain. So, we sit with one another in it, best we can. Today I've been re-visiting our lives together through journals etc. and have felt so depressed. Depression is such an overused word. And...I do feel depressed. Pressed down by grief, sadness, despair and disgrace that such an incredible love is changing. It feels like a death.

So, today on the anniversary of my beloved Gramma's death, I am collapsing in what feels like the death of the only two-legged love of my life to whom I pledged my forever love. And to add perplexing contrast to perplexing contrast, I am going to a wedding today of a co-worker. I am going to bear witness to this act she has decided to do. Bear witness to her yes-saying to a "life-long" commitment.

What does this all mean? I have no idea. My eyes are swollen and red with the grief and torture of letting go. I will get dressed in pretty clothes and go bear witness to the beginning of something that for me, is ending. And right now...outside my window, i am listening to the sound of my neighbor playing gleefully with her granddaughter!!!!

Whew.
I am so in a web of criss-crossing energies. May it be energies of Love, Repair and Return.
Love,
Me