6/22/11...good numbers...what do I have to write?

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,
Was it you today who came to me through that golden retriever who greeted me unexpectedly in that store? Whose body collapsed against me when I leaned down to pet? Was it you in that familiarity that my hands responded to when I leaned right back into that sweet dog? And was it you yesterday who greeted me unexpectedly in the labyrinth, on summer solstice, in the body of Grady, the neighbor's white golden retriever? Why the visits and revival of grief?

Phoenix, is my grief running me into this decision to let J. go? Am I thinking clearly? Am I still caught in the trauma vortex of loss where I must keep losing love? Do I really know what I am doing? Will I ever be clear again about love and what it means to say forever and consider permanence? Is this part of the dying process? How do I know?

I feel like I've taken a turn that I cannot reverse and that maybe that turn was guided by grief. As well as hope. Hope for myself. Phoenix, help me through this. Help J. and I both find our ways separately and together. I cannot see what is ahead, except loss and things that have no form yet. Therein is the hope. Hope that there will be something that is not pain, not loss, not despair, not 'leftness' not regret, and not the unfriendly guest of realization that "I made the worst mistake in my life". There is no one to save me from this, if it is true.

I place this all on the WEb to you. Sending back gratitude and love for your presence and reminder of some of what it was to have your physical love and presence close to me.
My love, over and over, forever (that I can say for sure).
Me