The Path of Return and Staying

Dear WEb,
So, I come to this writing to reclaim again, something of myself. The clouds yesterday, on Spring Equinox proper, spoke my name. I may never know fully why nor fully why the wind picked up and howled against the window beside me so suddenly last night as I was finishing that post. It didn't sound like that the rest of the night. I am on the Web. That is certainly clear yet again. And for some reason, perhaps, it was particularly important to be reminded of that yesterday, the day of Return, Spring Equinox.

This weekend was an intensive experience of Return. Friday night, I ritualized an important piece of reclaiming myself from the trauma of Phoenix's death 52 weeks ago. Before that actual ritual, I broke down. The terror came back and I could not go forward through the eye of the needle. I was at that familiar precipice where it felt like going forward would be to go into insanity and to stay still, hold the Wheel from turning, was of course not in my control. I raged and wept, tantrumed and twisted myself in such despair. All the while a sister sat behind me, quietly, lovingly. At some point, the raging calmed and I opened my eyes totally disoriented. Where am I? How did I get here? Where is my home and my familiar things? In my hand I gripped a small wolf sculpture my partner had gifted me that morning to commemorate the anniversary. It was a touchstone. I remembered that/her root. And still I looked around me and felt like a ghost trying to remember her substance.

I reached my hand up to my face to remember myself, what I felt like to myself. Then I let my hand touch my heart, my arms, my legs, the back of my neck...slowly, slowly remembering my physical substance. Eventually, I took my sister's hand and tracked the same path of myself, feeling what it was to feel another's touch. As it seems to often happen, there came another wave of sadness, terror, despair and I let her hold me close while I wept again. At some point (all of this happened outside of time, so to record it like there was some linear sequence is actually inaccurate) I touched the pain again, there on the edge of sanity. And, somehow when at the same time I felt the pain there on the edge, I felt something else that was distinctly not pain. It was Love. And, without trying to sound dramatic, I think somewhere in me decided to Stay because of that touch, that moment.

This past year has been filled with moments. Moments of deciding to stay, or not, and everywhere in between. There has been no linear progression. I have experienced the Wheel moving in increments and with every increment I have met myself. And on this particular increment, of 52 weeks, I met myself again at that precipice and 'felt myself go free'. Maybe that is what the clouds reflected. I really will never know.

Last night Phoenix was in my dream. He was in the home of my childhood, beside the family card table. Maybe that means he is there in that dimension with me, the dimension of my childhood where perhaps I most need him now to be with those young parts of me. Those young parts of me who are playful and miss their beloved companion, especially since something deep has shifted and I've more fully decided to stay.

And, I wish the story could stop there with 'And I lived happily ever after'. I would certainly welcome prolonged peace and settledness. I did have some lovely stretches this weekend like that. Yes, I did. For them, I am tremendously grateful. They linked together to perhaps create the beginnings of a path for me beyond the eye of the needle. Staying is complex. I can tell that already now at this level of things. Staying in connection with others is even more complex. I've encountered how hard that is already--how do I risk intimacy again when my grief has held me at bay from others? how do i not be consumed by intimacy? how do I regulate that closeness? Wouldn't it be all dandy if I didn't have to pay attention to that? Where it could just always be a 'love in' like they preached in the 60's. No, I would not like that at all. I am way too particular with who I love and how I love and how and what I let in to love me. Call me what you will--prudish, tight, controlling etc etc. And, what I know is that my love is precious---not everyone deserves it. And, I don't just want everyone's love either. No matter how seemingly precious. So, call me what you will. I call me, me. Or, the what the clouds call me!

Finally, today this day after the actual Spring Equinox, that resident at work who I saved from choking months ago came up to me today and said: "I love you". I smiled and blushed and thanked her because I knew she meant it. (there is a story here to tell another time too). She then said, "Honey, you have the world by the tail." I laughed and said, "Actually I think She has me by the tail!" Not sure what that all means, but it rang true. We both laughed.

Thank you, Web. You've got me by my big bushy tail, no doubt!
Love,
Me