I've been kissed by a rose on the grave

Dear WEb, Dear Phoenixx, Dear Goddess,

When does one recognize one has turned the corner? I woke this early morning of the 52nd Friday and the following came flowing to me...or maybe it's been flowing to me all along and I just now woke up to these swirling waters:

You are my power, my pleasure my pain!
Hands, hands, washing and holding hands that have held so much, touched so much.
C., you were one of the last hands to hold/touch Phoenix before we buried him.
My hands remembered. Life and gratitude poured out. How did/do we ever survive such pain? We do/did.
A/O, where did you come from? Have you been here all along? Feathers of comfort and love flow from you.
Owls hooting outside my window just after I hear the first birds sounding.
Two geese flying, soaring, then one...shot and drops, totally letting go. I am shaken by this image because it touches a truth I know in my bones beyond here and now.
Your roots, J., drive deep into the ground around me as your drum tells me not to let go of my sanity. Go to the edge, but don't let go....I witness your pain there on the edge of the grave.
K. beisde me on the floor as I cry into the hardness, the unnegotiable death and loss. She is not scared I will drown.
B.creates an altar of death and rebirth--wings and bones, ancient symbols from our Ancient People painted on cloth.
A rock heart, a heart rock insisted to be taken. you will need it, Phoenix says.
On March 15th, the Ide's of March, a white truck ahead of me, I grow agitated I am behind it/him. I weaken and weep when I remember the killer and the betrayal that followed. The unthinkable. I feel no longer any part of his world. There is so much more....
Myrrh's warm body against mine during the night...in all the years I've not known this feline comfort. And I've needed it so this year.
C.'s belief in me, in the Life force in me.
C.'s beatbox rendition of happy birthday left on my cell phone.
The sound and shaking of laughter in circle.
How can I possible deserve this love? I must.
So much more than writing this down can ever touch. Somewhere I've begun to live again. Somewhere Life found me. Where was that fateful corner? Where was that twist in the labyrinth that i recognize this morning? this 52nd Friday?

I wish I could express this place i woke up to. It was like a collage of the year. and it feels like a year. i have walked this year deliberately, truthfully to myself, for myself and Phoenix, the life that was my Beloved Guardian and I. i have not swayed from the worst and have tried to allow the best to touch me and everything in between. nothing is over...and, to memorialize this moment like all the others feels vital. I turn this corner and allow the current to carry me into the rest of this day and evening, into further depths of Life and Living.

That line from the Seal song that Phoenix sent to me last summer...the one that came on the radio several days in a row after I asked for communication from him...says it best:
"I've been kissed by a rose on the grave."

Kissed,
Me