Fit

Dear WEb,
Tonight I was awakened by the IT, that is: everything that is in this current carrying me, the good, the bad the ugly. It took me an hour to finally allow some feeling to surface and then maybe another hour for compassion to set in and tell me: 'Of course you are awakened and cannot sleep. Cannot eat. Of course you feel numb. Of course you feel overwhelmed and scared. Of course. You are an emotional Being facing the MANifestation of your worst fear.' I'd have to be dead not to have some experience out of the ordinary, right?

Speaking of dead, the other night during another intensely difficult moment, I heard the words in my head: "I'm not fit to live." The amount of pain I have felt this year and continue to feel has been unbearable and yet each time I find a way through. And...it still keeps coming. Of course. Yes, of course it does, speaks Compassion..... And...I wonder how is someone fit to live and be in relationship with Life if she feels so much pain on a regular basis? The end is no where in sight, except in some sort of memory and then faith that there have been moments of not pain and therefore will probably continue to be similar moments. So, I go on. And...is there a threshold of pain? Where she would somehow not qualify to live? Where all who say they love her will leave her no matter how Amazon their love is because they don't want to be affected anymore by her colossal pain and relationship with unresolved loss??? When they decide they cannot live with both her pain and their own? If they did, I wouldn't blame them, actually.

Fit to live. What else does that mean? It means living in Integrity. It means if I am going to go ahead and risk being left, risk enduring pain that feels like it could choke the life from me, risk loving in spite of everything that has fractured my heart then I will do it in Integrity, Wholeness, Honor and Truth. Yes, these are big words, even bigger concepts that most people strive for. They are not just things I hope for to feel better about myself, I don't think. Though I do want to feel better about myself. I do want to feel relief from the pressure of living. Because it is pressure to live when she feels like dying or like she is not "fit", as in: inherently born, to not live.

Now, I ask myself: do i really believe those words I just wrote? Do I really believe I was born with an inherent flaw that makes me unfit to live? Yes, no, maybe so. It makes me uneasy to consider that. And...the words were there. They came from somewhere in me. Deep in me. So, I listen. And I listen to them in the context of my upcoming birthday and wonder if these words are important information about my beliefs in the womb.

See, i believe I am a twinless twin. That is, that I had a twin in utero. There's no proof. No testimony from my mother. Nothing except my 'knowing' of this. So, anyone could challenge me about that and probably "win" on my lack of evidence. So what? The point here is that it makes perfect sense that Being a Twinless Twin would explain such a deep seeded question: am I fit to live?... in this world.... alone. And yet, there is all evidence to the contrary. I was born, raised by good parents who took care of me, loved me in the ways they could, I look at photos of me as a little girl and I see happiness, not sorrow, not aloneness. Not yet. (that comes later in the photos of adolescence) But happy girl-child. And yet, now as an awakening woman, I feel such sorrow and i feel the little girl-child from those photos totally broken hearted. Totally in despair in losing her beloved Guardian, Phoenixx. The pain is the insanity. Inconsolable pain. The only option being to wait until something comes in, like Compassion, like Beetle's licking face, like rustling leaves, like an unexpected song that tells me to 'stay alive' , like the hand of a sister....on and on ad infinitum. Is this how I live now from this place? Is this being 'fit' or learning to be 'fit' as a twinless twin?

I have gone on this morning about this. More so than usual. I am not in a usual place, the day before my birthday when I will be 44 on the day of the 11th in the year of 2011, And, of course which happens to be the 51st Friday. Damn. And I think normal eating and sleeping and relating are expected???

Phoenix, I miss you. Living without you is excruciating. Impossible. for me. for this emotional Being. And I am living some sort of life: good bad and ugly.
Nothing else to say right now.
Love,
Me