"Not fit to travel"

Dear WEb,

The above picture is of Phoenix one day in the car. He looks so unhappy to be traveling!! Sweetness.

In the middle of the night before I was to board the plane to Phoenix, AZ, I woke up to the undeniable truth: I am sick! My coughing was choking me to the point of creating a gag reflex! So, I did what any mature middle aged adult would do, I called my parents in the middle of the night! They were generous sports about it and reassured me it was ok, I needed to stay home and get well etc etc. I wept when I hung up the phone...wept like a little girl. Actually, truth be told, I cried on the phone with my mother when the words "I don't feel well" poured over the phone. She reassured me that this all would pass, I would get better, the cold just needed to 'run its course'. I cried more because I knew she knew: she's been sick with something similar for about a week longer than I.

My tears were those of a little girl for sure. A little girl needing her mommy to make it all better. And, you know, they were also the tears of a middle aged maturely grieving woman who needed to hear there would be an end to this. Not this cold or bronchitis...but THIS pain and loss, this that feels like I might die, or have already died. And I needed to hear from my mother that I would get better, this grief just needs to run its course and that somehow she knew that Truth, somehow. When we were saying our goodbyes, she said she'd call me in the morning and see how I am, to call her if I got worse in the night and...then she said what we do not say in my family: "I love you." And I said it back, meaning it.

So, I've been home all week now, resting and taking care of the things that matter most right now: getting better, letting this run its course, loving myself. That is not easy business. I've had help from my partner, yes, and much of the time I've been beside myself, alone. When I called the airlines to cancel, they told me they'd wave the change fee if I had a doctor write a note that said I was 'not fit to travel'! That sized it up! I felt totally unfit to leave the confines of my home!

I'm not sure what it was that called me to write tonight. Was it to update things on the WEb? Is it because I'm missing Phoenix again--another wave of missing him, missing the way Phoenix was beside me in so many ways? Is it because I feel time moving on as I get closer to teaching another new class? Is it because I heard on the radio that there are only 68 more days til Spring??? 68!!! I can hardly bear thinking the Wheel is 68 days from returning to that day Phoenix left! Is it because a sister of mine has a cat who's leaving soon and maybe has already left? Is it because being Left will never 'run its course' in me--it will be forever a tragedy in my soul.

Finally, another sister wrote me an email this week. She wrote something that I've printed and posted above my computer because it has profoundly comforted me:
And you will be able to handle all of this that comes your way, and we will be with you.

The WE is my circle of sisters, my beloved Phoenix, my winged companions...I suppose the tragedy that forever lives in my soul may find a bit of comfort in this Companionship.

Love,
Melissa