Grief Infinitum

Dear WEb,
Today on my way to work, I got behind a car that had things packed in the back. The way some pillow was arranged looked just like the profile of Phoenix. I cried missing missing missing Phoenix. This Grief is always here. I wake up sometimes in disbelief that I am here without Phoenix. I look at his picture and I think, "How is it possible I am here looking at a photo of you, instead of the real you!" It defies understanding to some part of me. It just doesn't make sense. I wish writing this could somehow make it make sense.

The other night I dreamed Phoenix was running around like normal. I wasn't paying much attention to him except that I kept trying to remember what it was I was forgetting about him. What was i forgetting??? I woke up with that struggle of remembering and then the moment my eyes opened, I remembered what I was forgetting: Phoenix is gone. Phoenix is dead. And instead of falling into a well of tears, I willed myself back to sleep and into a dream state. In the dream, I psychically called over and over for Phoenix to come now that I remembered what I forgot. Finally, as I was looking through a mirror or a looking glass sort of thing, he appeared. I think I reached down and hugged him, but I'm not sure. My memory of it was surprise and delight that he came when I called. Even as I write this I am weeping in gratitude. Gratitude and Grief.

Today a coworker showed me a photo of her when she was a little girl. She and her two sisters were each holding a puppy. I cried right there because it was so sweet. My arms want a puppy so bad. My little girl wants a puppy more than ever!! It's so hard for her to grieve so long. It's almost unbearable. Almost as unbearable as it is incomprehensible to another part of me that I am here without Phoenix.

And this week I begin teaching again. Teaching a class that I taught last year during the time frame that Phoenix was killed. That circle/class endured that trauma with me best they could. I endured some because I had that class to teach/Priestess. There were days I was on the floor collapsed in tears just hours before I had to teach. And there is a part of me that is terrified to teach again. That somehow has linked the trauma with the class. Which is also true with the coming of Spring and the trauma. Right now I am dreading Spring. Dreading.

I am trying to be gentle with myself these days. All the currents of me need Gentleness. And I glance up to the words again:
"And you will be able to handle all of this that comes your way, and we will be with you." I say that aloud onto the WEb: "And I will be able to handle all of this that comes my way, and You will be with me."

You better be! :-)
Love,
Melissa