Letting myself look

Dear WEb,
Last night after work I got on line and let myself look at puppies. This past week I've let myself think about when I might get a new puppy. These are big things. It is so complicated... and so simple. A puppy would alter things in this household in my relationship with my partner, Beetle, Myrrh and myself. I have had two dreams in the last couple of days where I was really angry at my partner, really angry. Seething. I am not totally sure what it's about, but when I had one last night after letting myself look at puppies, I am wondering if I'm dreaming my anger about her because it's too hard to feel it. And what am I angry about? I think it's because she would be the most disturbed by a puppy.

My bond with Phoenix defies her understanding, I believe. She tries. She has supported me in ways that she knows she can best support my immersion in grief. Ultimately, though, I don't think she really has experienced this kind of loss and therefore is limited in her understanding of it. And...She has been there for me. Particularly through the initial shock and trauma of it all. The image I keep close to me is her drumming behind me as I am keening at Phoenix's grave, cutting at my hair. That was her Essence understanding me.

So, why the immense anger? Do I think she is the one holding me back from getting a puppy? From trying again to have some sort of close bond with another dog? Am I projecting my reservations about that onto her? I am not sure. And I want to know. And I want a puppy. To not try to recreate this kind of relationship seems immensely and unnecessarily cruel and deadening.

Dear, WEb...I am asking for help with this piece of the process/weaving. I need clear Guidance and Support as I try to get clear on if, how, when I am to get a puppy. I think it's a puppy that will help and...I admit, I don't know for sure. I do know that I need to do something directly to help fill this gaping hole in me.

Love,
Melissa