Getting ready to go to Phoenix

Dear WEb,

For a week, I will be going to Phoenix. No, not to Phoenix, my beloved, though...I WISH it was as easy as boarding a plane! I will fly to Phoenix, Arizona. My grandmother will be 102 this month and my folks are there now too.

Clearly, I do not want to go. This is a ticket they bought me last year in March and I did not use it because you know what happened then. So, going there reminds me again of Phoenix not being here and why. The only other time I've left home this year since Phoenix was killed was to the ocean and right before that I didn't want to leave either. What's coming up is fear of being away from what little ground I feel here at my home. Right now it's leaving the altar I made, leaving the familiarity of this home, my partner, Beetle and Myrrh, my people and going to a place where conversations tend to be surface, predictable, uninteresting and often with an undercurrent of stress. Add on top of that having bronchitis and perhaps it's clearer why I cannot bear to leave.

Bottom line, I just don't want to deal with anything without my beloved Phoenix. Not that he would be there with me if he were alive. I just feel more vulnerable in so many ways. And I long for comfort. The comfort only Phoenix offers. Plus I want to be around people who understand my Devotion that I wrote about. I don't think they do, not in any real way they'd let themselves. They love their animals, truly. It's the one thing we share. And...they never have understood or appreciated the depth of my feelings. The one consolation is that they go to bed early, so I can retreat to my room by myself. There I can and have cried and called home. Then in the morning am somewhat recharged again to exist with them on that plane. At least that's how it's been. Everything is changed now. Everything. So, I cannot say how it will be this time in Phoenix without Phoenix.

Goddess help me.
Love,
Melissa