You have already come to me...in the dark. The night before last, I awoke to silence and lay there wondering if it was going to be sleepless for the remaining dark time as it has been recently. Then a few minutes pass and I hear outside my open window a shuffling and....howls, howls....like the time I last held you on my lap three years ago, our backs to the North, and howling my wretched grief and anguish. Remember that moment? Into my howls blended howls of coyotes at my back as I held your broken body, my broken heart and spirit. Beetle and J. in the side yard joined the Call. I remember everything about that night.
And last night, I dreamed of being in that old house; the lights went out in only part of the house. I was stumbling around trying to figure out which ones worked while also feeling scared of what/who I would encounter in the dark rooms. And sure enough, I encountered a man, neighbor, maybe your murderer, but/and in the dream he acted helpful reminding me where the breaker boxes were. I remembering being concerned he was there and also relieved to know exactly where he was, no surprises. Befuddled, I went looking for the breaker boxes as he described. Then, beloved Phoenix, you joiined me, moving through the dark, trying to remember. You were right by my side in and out of rooms checking panels of switches. At one point I remembered where the main one was (not at all where he told me!) and went towards that. You trotted away to chase something and I called you back but when I voiced your name, it came out "Beetle." But you were clearly in your beloved strong, brindled furry body and you did come back to be with me as I continued to figure things out.
Must I speak anything else? THANK YOU for coming to me, Phoenix, in both these ways. O. reminded me this morning that anniversaries like this may also be hard and disorienting for you, depending. Maybe we are both stumbling in the dark through the memories, trying to remember and find the main switches that light the way. And, there we were together. This is our day, marking both the horrendous violent way our WEb was broken, as well as the last day we loved each other in this Outerworld.
Lastly, I found a picture last night of Demeter and Kore as twins/mirror reflections of one another. I've not seen them quite like that before and have been pondering, letting it sit and shift inside me because we often think of them as two different people: mother/daughter etc. This image invited something different inside me: something of two linked consciousness happening at the same time. Let me try to explain. So, I am 'queen' of my Outerworld now: my life here with Beetle, with Myrrh, with O., with our classes, dances, tribe etc and it does not include you anymore as of 3 years ago. I move through this Outerworld. And, Phoenix, I still believe I move with you in another world that is elusive, moves in and out of darkness, grief, engagement with the unseen, the wuwu. Clearly, like my dream, these worlds blend, they are not separate and...I am 'queen' of that Innerworld too with a different life/consciousness that calls and engages with you. My dream of calling you back but the words came out 'Beetle' gets at this best, I think. I am not split consciousness, I am twin consciousness. Does that make sense? I am still trying to get the words for it, but/and the image I found last night 'spoke' something of it. What if Demeter and Kore were not two different beings? What if they were twin consciousness (with Hecate, they'd be triplet consciousness!). Then the story when Demeter and Kore 'reunite' is really a doubling that happens, an intensification of energy, crossing the thresholds of worlds, like we did last night and in other dreams together!
Here's the image to close. I love you, Phoenix, and am most grateful to continue to have our lives together on the WEb. He may try to confuse us or mislead us in the dark and we find our way to the main fuse box. I love you always.
Me
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