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Dearest beloved Phoenix on the WEb,
Last night I found myself on the floor again. It has been a long time since I have collapsed like this. Cascades of feelings poured through me for hours, the core of which was that deep deep felt sense of loss, missing you.  This is the first day of March: 3-1-13, such a lovely symmetrical date.  March carries so very much life and death in my personal Wheel of the Year.  This round it carries in addition the first day that I will not be employed by GE.  Yes, my last day was yesterday, the last day of the month of February.  I know it was the right thing to leave, it was my choice and my timing.  I said my conscious goodbyes to folks and to the space over the last two weeks, so I've had time to let go in ways that I wanted to.  I have so deeply appreciated the employment, many of my co-workers and the folks that I served there.  That position was a container for me of so much personal change.  I had folks remind me of the time I chopped my hair off! One brought me a photograph of me when my hair was long and my uniform was green!  Now my hair is short and my uniform is blue!

 I arrived there 6 1/2 years ago planning only to stay a short while and months stretched into years over the course of which I lost you, beloved Phoenix, I let go of my partnership with beloved J., I began something new with O. and so much additionally in between.  These are huge life transitions in the course of these almost 7 years!  And it was the container of GE that held a space for me to continue to engage in life in a particular way in spite of the times when I would go there with swollen eyes from crying half the night before or when I would show up hardly 'there', a ghost even to myself.  There was a beloved sister there who was my link to what was real, no matter how bad it got.  I could go to her and she would understand.  I remember several days there after you were shot, I would have panic attacks between shifts. I carried a homeopathic remedy, Ignatia, with me which would often help mitigate them but/and it would take some time.  Those days, I would go to RW, my sister, and she would tell me to go, go! do what I needed to do, she would cover for me.  I would get myself out the door to the pond there and walk with such intensity as if I could outrun the awful panic that was chasing me.  And it worked every time, thank Goddess.  I have so much gratitude for things like this that were part of that container to hold me through. 

And so, I've said goodbye to that container.  I dissolve it as it has served us well, giving it back to the well of creation.  And now, I am in the Void.  I asked myself yesterday what that is like this time, this particular Void and the answer was startling: it is a place between She and I.  It is calm, it is connected, it/we is trusting.

So, then...how does one end up on the floor from that place?  Well, sweet beloved guardian Companion of mine... we have learned together that it is never just one thing, nor rarely a linear sequence of one things.  The WEb, we know, the WEb.  What I do think I understand about it all is triggers.  Even though I have and do feel that Void as all I have said,  the absence of something that has grounded me for so long through so much is triggering of the other intense times of loss when I could not access trust or She and I or anything but the HUGE cascade of feelings that washed me onto the floor last night, the bottom being the absence of physical presence of you, of J., of O. of my twin.  It was and will always be inconsolable grief. Such an easy thing to name, inconsolable grief, and the words don't even touch the enormity of the meaning/reality of the experience. Inconsolable grief: that which no one, nothing will ever be able to fill, mend, repair, soothe.  An endless gaping wound of loss that streaks through my heart, down my left arm, through my fingers that reach for some physical contact of memories of times when the missing match was there. 

So, that is where I went last night again.  I did not try to stop it or redirect or numb out. The cascade had its way and took me with back to you and the beginning of this month of life and death.  Sweet Beetle and Myrrh slept with me all night long even though their presence was not what/who I needed/wanted.  This morning, though, Beetle curled against me like you used to do, Phoenix.  It was not you, it didn't fill the missing match and...she is so my girl, my sweet devotee, offering me all she can.  I am grateful.  And...still in all of the feelings, not wanting to have to explain to anyone anything.  I am hoping today to feel better enough to go for a walk with Beetle and do some errands, gently finding my way in this place of Void, a Winter Solstice here on 3-1-13.

Much love to you. I am so grateful to have a place to come 'talk' to you, my sweet beloved Phoenix.
Me