Phoenix's 11th Birthday

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,
Today is your birthday: July 2, 2011. Beetle is beneath the desk as I'm writing, well...now she's pacing because there are fireworks outside exploding! I imagine you pacing the floors with her. How I hate this weekend every year!

Today I saw a heron. No, not the young one who's been visiting at our pond, though she has been frequently there in the mornings, fishing. This one was on the way back from dinner tonight. Like often happens, my eyes decide to look right through the trees to the river at the exact moment and there on a felled tree in the middle I see the large back of a heron, her head is tucked and her back is puffed out, broad. She looks like she is cloaked. I've seen this look when I've seen herons on the edge of the waters along the ocean. She looks like a crone, cloaked and still.

This morning, I woke from a poignant dream where I was readying to begin "my work" as a colon hyrdrotherapist. The room was prepared, the environment felt safe and comfortable and people had arrived and were so ready to begin. We were working out how to decide who would go first since many of them were ready. Once we figured out the fair way to decide the order, I remembered I'd forgotten to tell them that I'd not been trained to do this work. Someone of authority (my colon hydrotherapist) told me I could do it, but I hadn't gone through the training, actually, I hadn't even practiced yet on anyone but myself. It was humbling to admit. When I did, they left. I woke up perplexed and embarrassed wondering how in the world I could have gotten so far along without the training, just because someone said I could do it. What a fool!

I am wondering what both things mean really. I take note of the timing and wonder what they may have to do with you, wonder what message you are sending me through Crone Heron and this dream. J. is moving out in a week. I am feeling so much grief/loss and fear of being on my own again in the world. This feels like being with the Grandmother Hecate again, a Crone. Plus, I do not know what my real work is, my Service, anymore. I feel lost in so many ways right now, even though I keep affirming and am affirmed by the Web that I will find my way. I don't feel like I really have much to offer the world. Not really. I've lost a sense of myself with this separation. I'm not who I thought I was anymore. J. has been a significant compass to me...to my life. She has been my sense of home and ground.

Is that some of the dream? Have I been acting as if I've been trained for this Life/work, but really have not? Who'd trust me now? I've made so many huge tears. I have no credentials, no credibility. It's just me and the props of some kind of life/work. Intense message.

Surely, Phoenix, you have something more encouraging! Surely. Unless you are the Crone who doesn't mince words. Tells it like it is. Is it really that grueling a Truth that i need to face?

Still Listening....for you.
Love,
Me