Numbers

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,
So, the date is 7/11/11. It is the day after J. moved out. To say I'm depressed is an understatement, but it's the word I have. Finally I fed myself today (a dear sister came to me last night with food and loving support). It's amazing how depression persuades so much that is antithetical to self-care. I'll go swim soon too, even though I've talked myself out of it several times already. What am I waiting for? Why am I so inert in this? Some of it has to do with myself catching up, I think. Trying to integrate the emptiness in the house when just yesterday she was here. Trying to remind myself what has happened. Replaying the final good-bye. Remembering the weeks of preparation for this. The long conversations. The wrenching emotion witnessed in one another. The taking down of photos/memories/promises from the walls, the shelves, our hearts. Remember we did all that? Remember, she did not just disappear, vanish. We have walked this long unwinding labyrinthian road together before we said goodbye. Remember?

And yet, the grief has her way that I must follow through more muck of regret, sorrow, missing, anger, begging and gratitude. I follow even though I am weary. What else is there to do? I think of things I could do and every time I play it out, I find grief somewhere. Unhappiness and grief because J. is not here. Even in the scenarios she could be here, I still find grief.

And moments of WuWu. Yesterday morning as I sat in my chair, I was thinking/praying/wondering how J. and I will find our way out of these ashes. I looked up right at the moment that two herons flew over the house. They were higher than the trees, but I could tell they were herons. Two. Then when Beetle and I left for a while so J. could move out of the house, our walk took us to what felt like a new world. We followed a trail we hadn't been on before and came to a lake, no a double lake, surrounded by a path that was literally a figure 8. This is significant to me, this shape of an 8. It has become a symbol, a path of moving energetically between worlds, so to speak. The number itself is a double and of course represents in mathematics, infinity. (and I noticed while signing into write this post, there have been 88 posts so far in this web log as of today!)

And so...I continue to move between the world of grief and other places, through other doorways. My roots however are deep in the wet earth of grief. I promise to be with myself and ask for help.

And...ok, I will go swim now, even though I really don't want to. Feels like there are more important things to do...like sit and stare and cry. I can always come back to that though, I suppose.
Love you Phoenix. I know you are near.
Love,
Me