Sometimes...

Dear WEb and Phoenix,

"Sometimes, it takes a rainy day, just to let you know, everything's going to be alright..." Chris Williamson, The Changer and The Changed

It's raining right now and I heard these lyrics in my head. I played this song today when it was sunny, no sign of rain, actually, and I felt just a moment's worth of peace.

I don't know what else to write, really. I noticed the date today: 4-4-11 and wondered if the day would be significant in some way. Cannot say for sure how. Though I have had some awareness of some possibility of why I've felt so intensely these last few days. I think I've been encountering some pre and peri-natal relational blueprinting. May sound strange, and I'm really not prepared to put the details on the Web. Suffice is to say, though, that I've realized that in being at that level of consciousness, it makes sense that I've felt a level of life or death, sink or swim, kind of anxiety. And it makes sense that I feel protective of this awareness; tis a vulnerable state to be in and to be aware of the subsequent projections onto others. To admit that to others is to admit that they have some kind of power over me, could use it to hurt me, manipulate me etc etc. To admit it to myself is humbling.

And in all of this uncovering of possibility, I can totally see how I've only really relied emotionally on my animals and a particular counselor. Everyone else is a chronic disappointment and I push them away or keep them at bay. And it even makes more sense how deeply connected I was/am to Phoenix. He was/is my Guardian in so many ways, mostly because he never left me...was totally devoted. And it makes even more sense too why the loss of him has been so devastating. And why now (after I've moved through the keyhole of a needle) that these newly formed connections with others who are not four-leggeds feel so intensely good and intensely difficult. Or at least I understand some more of other reasons why these fierce love connections are affecting me so much now.

So, I guess there is significance to this day of 4-4-11. Pairs of numbers--two are separated and two are together.
I am grateful to be in a state right now in this moment of curiosity. Though it could change at any time, and probably will, particularly in the company of others when I will probably withdraw again there to the middle of the channel, swimming and treading water.
Love,
Me
PS..I am also readying to visit my family in Phoenix in two days. Fascinating timing.