...no matter what

My dear Phoenix on the WEb,

Thank you for that song today, our song, the song on the radio. The one you repeatedly sent to me this year when I needed to hear something from you in that shattered/fragmented place. I heard it today driving between worlds--on my way away from one towards another. I took it as a sign, a sign that reminded me of what the loss of you has asked of me: integrity to Living, fearing less because I have chosen to Stay in spite of the worst loss imaginable, and risking love. And right now I am feeling so not here nor there, borderless, in the middle of a swim across a deep channel of water, both shore lines far away and unavailable. It's just me here, me and my pounding heart.

For a long time, as long as I can remember myself, I have felt my emotions being too much for those people close to me, with few exceptions mainly who are/were counselors who I pay to tolerate these emotions, of course. It's been an unspoken criticism in relationships. It's like the proverbial white elephant. I have spent years shaming myself, quelling them when I feel the intolerance/discomfort and sometimes just shutting down. I remember a family member a long time ago one time saying to me, "You are just too Deep for me. I like things simple." This was after sharing a poem I'd written. While this person had the audacity to say what I knew others felt about me, it still went inside and hurt. This is how I've felt others respond to my emotional being. They prefer things more simple, not large like my sadness. I don't blame them really. It's taken me years to find a place of compassion for myself.

And I do have compassion when I am in the throws of my sadness. I've found through years of a counselor holding space for me there that that is the only productive way through the wide channel of water. Any other way, I feel like part of me drowns. Still, though, someone close to me today spoke the truth about what I've known from them for many years--they named the white elephant. And while I was struck with that relief thing that happens when someone says the truth, inside the shame began to choke me. I had to eventually take myself to my room, hold my arms tightly around my middle, holding myself together. I had to say the words aloud to myself: "I am the womyn I am because I know how to let myself swim through the sadness, as long as it takes. As long as it takes. As long as it takes." And...."If I didn't do that, they (those who hate this way about me) would hardly recognize this womyn that they love. Don't they see, I am the way I am because of this."

So that is true. And so is the huge anxiety in my chest that says, I'm defective. I'm a victim to my sadness. I should be...blah blah blah blah. I am weak. Oh, yes, that's a big one. My sadness and tears make me weak. I do feel weak when I am there. That is certainly true. And, it's also true that i feel stronger on the other side, most of the time. Maybe not stronger...maybe more in touch with myself.

Finally, as I've said in another letter to you, I believe that this last year has held me accountable to another way of Being in the world. I fear i will lose something that has been precious and strong and loving to me because of that...maybe that I will consequently lose more than just one thing, it may be many things could reorganize because of that. My heart pounds in my chest even louder now having written that. And my breath becomes more shallow. I have to let go of one shore in order to swim to the other, something in me says right now. There's no promise that the shore will remain the same, or that the other will not be recognizable either when i get there.

Thanks for getting this on the WEb, Phoenix. And for sending me that song as I move through the neither here nor there. Thank you for meeting me there with your proclamation of love.
Here's mine: (whispered words and gesture) no matter what.
Me