Returning from Phoenix

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,

I am wondering what there is to say today. I've been gone from home this last week and just now getting back to my Life here. Phoenix, it was so deeply comforting to see your name in so many places there visiting with my parents. The newspaper, t.v., signs on trucks, signs on roads, signs on stores...almost everywhere I looked your name met me. One day while in a store, that song, our song, came on and I nearly crumbled. And it was the very store later where my mom bought me a jacket that has your name across the chest. She told me, "Now you can keep him there, over your heart." It was very sweet that she understood the significance and wanted me to have that symbol. If she only knew...and maybe she knows something of our love.

Now I am back home. It was hard to leave Phoenix, harder than ever. Deep sad parts of me felt like I was leaving you. I know that's not true. I will never leave you. And...the grief believes otherwise. There is a student of mine whose dog is old and has been sick recently. She just told me about it yesterday and I've been sad for them ever since. The level of devotion that lives between them was so obvious even though I'd only seen them together once outside class. It reminds me of that tearing apart again. I would never make a good counselor for women who love their dying dogs or have lost their beloved dogs. There is nothing I can summon to say from my heart that sounds comforting. It's hell. All we can do is see if we can and want to live through it. I did. Yes, I did. And, I didn't always know I was going to, or going to want to.

I think that's all for now. I am missing you today. When my Life quiets, I feel your absence. I feel the vacancy that was once you and the life that was you and I. I don't always cry when I feel it now, but I am still aware of it. And I am aware of the Life that is still there, that I've decided to Live, that would not be Alive if I'd chosen differently. I am grateful for you and for this IT that is Alive to be Lived, however that ends up looking.

You are my beloved, Phoenix. Always.
Yours,
Me