Through the dead leaves of last year....

Dear WEb,
There is much to say and not much time to say it. I've not written because there is so much unfolding quickly that I can hardly process it. What got me to you this morning is the date: 2/22/11. I always take note of numbers like this--doubles and especially double 2's.

Several days ago, I was readying to go to a difficult appointment with my partner. Behind me I heard a rustling of leaves. It wasn't particularly breezy out so it caught my attention because it rose out of a stillness. I turned around and looked out the window which happened to be where Phoenix is buried. There on his site remained the uncovered altar I created in December with his 'bones'. I had covered it up over the winter with boughs of evergreens and just the day before it felt like time to remove those and "clear the way" (though I didn't know what that meant). So there I was looking down at this site and not seeing anything near by that would have made that rustling sound. i let my gaze remain there for a bit, scanning the site, his bones, the circle of stones...and then I see a single yellow crocus. There are no words to comment on the emotion with this. I know I planted each one of those in the fall--it was a ritual of promises. So, it's no surprise they would sprout...well, not really no surprise. And...to see that first one. Well. It felt like a promise kept.

Yesterday, a sister and I sat by the pond. This is the sister who helped me bury Phoenix last March. She was the only one I would allow to lay beside him (take my place beside him there on the grass in the sunshine) the day after when I sat in vigil with his beloved body. I asked her to sing to him and she did. She had been his caretaker for many years when my partner and I would leave on vacation. I trusted her completely. We used to laugh because Phoenix was so smitten with her; we used to say he had such a crush on her! I allowed this woman to witness me in my rawest state that day after Phoenix was shot. She saw me wail, she saw me growl and pull my hair like a mad woman. And we are still friends.

So, yesterday when we were talking there by the pond, I heard a rustling of leaves behind me. I glanced behind me and saw one of those sweet whirlwinds of a few leaves curl by. I watched in silence and awe, pointed it out to my sister and the words came right out: "There's Phoenix." We watched him through the leaves dance by and disappear. Did I feel Phoenix? No. I just knew it was Phoenix. My Beloved. And I am sure it was my Beloved who moved behind me in the leaves in order to get me to turn around and see the first promise returned in that exquisite yellow crocus.

There is so much more...and...this is Everything....for now.
Love,
Me