Raw Life and Death

Dear WEb and Phoenix,
How do I find myself in this moment? There has been so much this week and last that has been magical, intense, enlivening, hard, blood and guts hard, and so much more. What I'm remembering is an image of a blue jay...this is hard...a blue jay who's been killed...she has wisps of feathers in the tip of her beak and her feathers are scattered in a huge circle behind her still body. These feathers are the fluff of her, the downy, airy feathers that insulate her. The scene is surreal, dream-like. The slight breeze is lifting these feathers up into the air every so often. She is on her back, wings spread out beside her, her head tilted down and her belly exposed, lungs, heart, etc bright red and watery. She and some creature fought to the death, her death. Her beak holds wisps of the attacker's feathers. And her body speaks of surrender.

A. and I stumbled on this site several days ago. It was awe-some. I was in awe, totally. This was a kind of death that, yes, was violent and predatory. Though finding her like this brought awe to my heart. Life and death in its rawest form. I didn't feel revolted. I didn't want to turn away or cover her. We sat with her. I went inside and retrieved some sage to burn as we sat with her. Later we placed roots around her from a stalk of bamboo nearby that had been uprooted! (I know! uprooted!) This was our honoring ritual for this Being.

And even later in the day, I came outside and suddenly 10 blue jays flew over to the trees near where we found her. They squawked and cried for a sustained period of time. I could hardly believe it. A. called me just as this was happening. It was truly astounding. I/We were witnessing a ritual/honoring by this beloved blue jay's People who came for her.

So, how am I in this moment on the WEb! Whew...that says it all. Wide open, surrounded by my People, full of Life and full of Death. And how does all this fit with Phoenix and me? What are the non-trite words to say? I don't know. I hate language for this reason. It's wordless. At least with the words we have....

I am in Love. Totally, in Love. Even with the gut splitting violence. (now, i'm not saying that 'all's good' bullshit. there's so much that is NOT good or ok with me. so much. ) I am ok with death right now. Strangely ok. For now. What else could I want? Exhaling.

Love,
Me