Calm, please

Dear Phoenix,

My life feels so intense right now. My nervous system is charged and I'm having a hard time settling. My sleep patterns have been erratic, though the last few nights have been better. I am not sure if this is related to anticipating this next month coming up, reliving the anniversary of your violent death or, if it's that plus the fact that you are not here to help calm me. You always did that so well. In ways that others cannot.

I spoke about you in class last week. I told them what happened and that I feel like I am coming unraveled. They were loving and responsive. I know they will ride this with me and...I don't know if I can do it. I know I've already lived through it. I'm already around the Wheel with it. and it's just so awful. So so awful. It's a threshold I don't want to pass through again. Even if I have others with me. I feel it may choke the life out of me. I don't want to re-member the moments of first recognizing you and I are no longer together. It feels totally impossible. I don't want to know that pain again. Even though it's never left. I feel it everyday at some point. It will just be so condensed as an anniversary, the anniversary.

And what can you do??? I know there's nothing you can do. Goddess, I need you. I need peace. Settling in this unraveling. I don't need to feel like I am in control...just that YOU are and that I am held. And that I can allow myself to be Held. That's the thing...I need help allowing myself to be Held.

I miss you, Phoenix. No one is you, nor can be you to me. You were my Guardian. And I must find a way to live without you/that. It is very intense like this. I feel like a turtle without her shell, braced and tense. Softening. Being Held. My prayers.....

Love,
Me