Dearest Phoenix on the WEb,
This is so very much our Journey together right now, isn't it? I feel keenly guided by you to retrieve the bullet from your grave and send it back from whence it came. It does not belong to us, never did. How clear that was to suddenly Know what to do next for us, for our healing, for our letting go of anything else from that awful night that is causing us harm. How perfectly obvious.
So, S. (my trusted co-death priestess) and I uncovered you for the first time in three years yesterday. You led me to your head, your sweet sweet head. How stunning. My fingers passed through all the layers of grey. Oh, I just heard your song: I've been kissed by a rose on the grave....or is it grey? The ornamental rose bush that friends gifted me after you were killed has 'died' but right now, there by your grave is a single small bright red blossom. How you do this! This is your signal to me, isn't it? Roses blooming from seemingly dead bushes. Stunning.
We uncovered you mostly and I searched through your chest feeling for the bullet. The grey earth that was once you, is so very soft, fine like ash. My hands read through all of it around bones reaching, feeling, sifting. No bullet. Yet. Tomorrow S. is bringing a metal detector. We will find it. Do not doubt it. And, I will continue the healing work you have guided me to do with your bones, releasing any trauma still locked. That letting go of anything else from that awful night that is causing us harm. Yes, we are doing this together. I feel you so strongly, your guidance. How we have worked three years to be together doing this right now. How deeply moving this all is! I already feel how freer I feel in my body.
So, I am continuing to Listen to you, dear beloved guardian companion. It's been so unbelievably good to feel your physicality again. I cannot even say the levels in me that affects. I am happy to be connected to the physical of you again, even as different as you are. I feel happy to be doing this healing work, having this focus of reconnection and transformation. How perfectly obvious.
I adore you. Thank you for the dream guidance, for the digging guidance, for the timing guidance, for the perfectly obvious focus now: the bullet and the release of anything else from that awful night that is causing us harm.
Blessed blessed be, beloved one.
Yours,
Me
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Missing Middle
Dearest Beloved Phoenix on the Web,
It is your birthday today. You are 13 years old. I cannot totally believe you are not with me; it just doesn't make any sense at all, really. I am doing a cleanse this week and began the process with a huge drop to the floor again when gunshots flooded through my window on Saturday afternoon. They were incessant for several hours and they took me back again to the moment when I found your body, lifeless. How can it be? That morning I said goodbye to you, patted your head, said I love you, be a good boy, Mama goes and Mama always comes back...and then the next time you are lifeless, gunshot wound through your left side. It's not that I don't understand cause and effect; it's something else, something else. The degree of sudden separation; some of me cannot compute it. And maybe there's something to not being there for the last breath, the holding, the soothing, whatever was needed...and of course for not being there to protect and prevent. The missing middle of this. Yes, the missing middle.
Oh, Phoenix, why else do I not let that night go? Everything else of our lives together was not filled with that level of sorrow. There's something about that night that I cannot let go of. The trauma of separation. The missing middle.
I can understand something of not wanting to forget; I do not want to forget that level of evil in the world and what it does and can do. How can I remember that and not let it lodge in me? Tis the question I grapple with: how to hang on and let go at the same time? I have been working with the Y as a symbol of that. Right now I am at the bifurcation point. It's not an intellectual solution to this; I don't need to just change my thinking as the New Age decrees. No, this needs to unravel from within me. And I need your help. I do not want to continue to hold on to something that harms me. I know there is no part of you and/or our relationship in that which harms me.
It seems that this cleanse is part of this process for me that is taking place both systemically and locally in my ovary and uterus. I ask for your continued guidance, presence and help. I need you. Happy Birthday, li'l boy.
I love you.
Me
It is your birthday today. You are 13 years old. I cannot totally believe you are not with me; it just doesn't make any sense at all, really. I am doing a cleanse this week and began the process with a huge drop to the floor again when gunshots flooded through my window on Saturday afternoon. They were incessant for several hours and they took me back again to the moment when I found your body, lifeless. How can it be? That morning I said goodbye to you, patted your head, said I love you, be a good boy, Mama goes and Mama always comes back...and then the next time you are lifeless, gunshot wound through your left side. It's not that I don't understand cause and effect; it's something else, something else. The degree of sudden separation; some of me cannot compute it. And maybe there's something to not being there for the last breath, the holding, the soothing, whatever was needed...and of course for not being there to protect and prevent. The missing middle of this. Yes, the missing middle.
Oh, Phoenix, why else do I not let that night go? Everything else of our lives together was not filled with that level of sorrow. There's something about that night that I cannot let go of. The trauma of separation. The missing middle.
I can understand something of not wanting to forget; I do not want to forget that level of evil in the world and what it does and can do. How can I remember that and not let it lodge in me? Tis the question I grapple with: how to hang on and let go at the same time? I have been working with the Y as a symbol of that. Right now I am at the bifurcation point. It's not an intellectual solution to this; I don't need to just change my thinking as the New Age decrees. No, this needs to unravel from within me. And I need your help. I do not want to continue to hold on to something that harms me. I know there is no part of you and/or our relationship in that which harms me.
It seems that this cleanse is part of this process for me that is taking place both systemically and locally in my ovary and uterus. I ask for your continued guidance, presence and help. I need you. Happy Birthday, li'l boy.
I love you.
Me
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