Solay

Dear WEb,
I haven't processed the experience in its entirety, and I still wanted to acknowledge some of it. Today, a sister, C, rattled and 'held vigil' for me as I lay on the earth near that photo of the skeletons, a photo of Phoenix and some 'bones' that I've been keeping on my altar to honor Phoenix. As I lay there and dropped into that deep place of inconsolable grief, at some point I noticed a small spider creating a web that connected all of those pieces--the bones and the pictures to the blanket I was laying on. It was truly amazing to watch unfold right there, inches from my heaving grief. No lie.

Afterwards, C. had to leave, she left her dog, Solay (sorry that is not the correct spelling, but phonetically it is correct) with me. Solay has always been a dear to me--large red lab looking dog. C. told me one time he is part Rhodesian Ridge back. After the deep time on the earth, I wasn't ready to leave and knew I wanted the kind of non-verbal deep connection only dogs provide. So, Solay stayed there with me, sat with his back to me, leaned into me and I wrapped my arms, legs and hands around him and cried some more letting my whole body feel Solay's solid presence--his fur, his muscles and fat--the life in Solay. I wept for the life of Phoenix--his fur, his muscles, his fat, the softness of his ears, the solidity and assurance of his presence there always in front of me, watching, guarding, blocking, protecting. I held onto Solay like my life depended on it. I prayed he wouldn't leave, that I wasn't too intense for him. Solay did not leave. He let me hold on. Solay let me hold on.

It was the closest I feel I've been to Phoenix's body since that night holding him or that dream I had when he raced around the corner and fell into my arms. Goddess smiled on me today. I am deeply grateful to both C. and to Solay.

More about it later.
I am Loved,
Me