Just a Monday

Dear WEb,
It is just a Monday...and I have felt so sad again. Again I am struck by moment after moment of disbelief that Phoenix is gone, that something this terrible has truly happened. In the shower, my sobbing almost took me to my knees. If I'd given into the collapse, I may not have gotten up to ready for work. We've past the 6 month mark and have moved into the next half of the Wheel turning for this first cycle since Phoenix was shot. I can hardly still believe it. And it slips farther and farther away from the present day and I keep reaching, reaching for Phoenix.

The holy day that is coming up is Samhain. This is the day those who have come before us are honored. It is a day of grieving the losses of the year. I have spent 6 months in this energy of Samhain and still I feel there is more grief, the same grief, deeper or not. Grief.

Allison Kraus sings a song that I played over and over and over this morning. The lyrics that still ring in my mind are: "The smile on your face let's me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes saying that you'll never leave me. The touch of your hand (paw) says you'll catch me if ever I fall..."

I am falling, Phoenix. Again.
Melissa