Going back a bit more...

Dear Web,
The way a web flows is kind of like a labyrinth...there is a distinct pattern, yet to follow the threads, one can lose track of direction. Forwards looks like backwards: 'progress' can lose its meaning. However, both a web and a labyrinth are whole structures, complete, in their integrity. There is order, though there may be seem to be disorder. And so, like weaving a web and walking a labyrinth, I meander my way through more of this telling...

The morning of March 19th was like most mornings, though I remember it more distinctly, of course. The most distinct memories of that morning are looking at Phoenix resting in his chair while I ate my breakfast and saying good-bye to him at the door. There is this thing he and I'd do with one another across the room--we'd make eye contact, or not, and 'beam love' to one another. Sounds corny as I write it and think about others reading it, but there is nothing corny or artificial about the experience. It was an experience that was visceral. I could feel it all over, both the sending and the receiving. We did that that morning. I remember feeling tired and knowing I had a long day at work ahead, then I glanced at Phoenix in his chair and felt the energizing love that we could send back and forth in an instant....or an eternity. Time always stood still.

The good-bye at the door was ordinary and precious too. He always stood by the glass door as I readied myself to leave. He was a watcher, always watching the driveway for activity. So, we did our routine of me telling him I was going to work and would come back: "You stay. Mama goes and Mama comes back. Promise. I always come back." I touched his head and his sweet ears that feel like lamb's ears. I looked in his eyes and tell him I love him. And I meant it. That's the thing with Phoenix (and all of my animals), when I say it, it is clear and full of intent. I never squandered my love for Phoenix. There was never a time that I withheld love or said it and didn't mean it with all my heart. It was pure and honest. Never muddied with ambiguity or conditions. And for that I am immensely grateful, because in all of my grieving I never once regretted that my time with him wasn't full and true.

So, I am comforted by these two memories even though they well up the grief of loss again. How precious was our love and what we were to one another that can never be duplicated.

Love,
Melissa Mama