Not a single siren nor arrest

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,

Last night and today have been the worst times so far that I can remember since the nights and days after you were killed.  I have felt so very lost, like I don't know what I'm doing.  I feel out of control of my life.  And the grief has been huge and growing/deepening, like a sinkhole, dragging me further and further in.  At one point in one of the huge surges of grief, I heard an ambulance in the distance and I went right back to the night you were killed and I lay beside your lifeless body, waiting for J. to get home.  There were no emergency vehicles to come help you or make any arrests.  With that awareness, I almost came undone.  I do not know how I will ever recover from this.  I know I've been saying that for over two years now and I still cannot quite convince myself that it is simply True.  I will never recover.  I can stop trying to.  It will never happen.  Not in any way that I will recognize 'normalcy' as I once knew it.

I have left a way of life, I tell myself over and over.  Not just a relationship.  A way of life.  And I've left a womyn who quintessentially is such a good person.  I miss her and her ways of thinking and understanding life, of making me laugh and feel safe.  They were home to me for a long time.  And in this sinkhole now, I feel lost, directionless, without a touchstone of home, of roots.  I am desperate for connection and contact with her. 

That is not to deny any of the new relations I've been growing or what they bring me.  They are not roots.  They are something else that I don't quite know yet.  They feel mutable.  I do not lean very hard on them.  Not because I don't trust them, because I do not trust myself.   Not now.  Maybe not ever again.  I am not looking for a replacement of my relationship with J. in person or in structure.  I've left that way of life.  And this new life now...well, right now it doesn't feel like much of anything that I can hold on to.

And...two years ago tomorrow was the day I met myself at that Crossroads of life and death and I got really clear about choosing life.  That I will not and cannot take my own.  It's not who I am in my Essence/Beingness.  I never knew that for sure about myself before that day.  I am grateful to know this, especially for someone like me who falls into many sinkholes.   Yes, I am grateful and distressed because it means I am staying on the planet, no matter how Lost I am and remain.  No matter how undone I come from the lack of sirens and arrests for atrocities in my life and for wimmin all over the planet.  I honor that Knowing.  And the Work I face most days to endure.

I love you, Phoenix.  Thank you for calling me back to our WEb.
Love,
Me