Threshold of Regeneration

Dear Phoenix on the WEb, our web, In readying for a spiritual retreat weekend, I've been reviewing my life...well, my most recent life. I was asked to look at the last year of my life, revisit journals, writings, interactions, experiences, actions etc. And I found myself agitated, really agitated. I thought maybe because time is so arbitrary. What's a year? Why begin it then and not some other time? I got angry and resistant the more and more I tried to artificially look at my last year. Then, I broke down, I fell through a hole I didn't even know was there. I don't want to face this year again. Don't ask me to face this year AGAIN! And this year did not begin just a year ago...this year threaded into the year before and maybe the years before! Unwinding, more unwinding. So, I went. I mean, what is one to do in falling? I can claw whatever edges I can find. Ultimately, though, falling is falling until I find ground again, land somewhere. So, these last couple days have been falling through layers of grief and regret while at the same time trying to maintain appearances and interactions with others, including myself, as if that is not happening deep inside me. This morning, I have been able to give some words to where I am....or atleast what has happened in this "simple" review of a year. I wanted to place the writing that came from that here, in a letter to you, dear Phoenix, on the WEb, our web. Because this life I am reviewing began after you were murdered. It is a life I've been living always in relation to that, to you, to us. I take full responsibility for that life, this life and all that has come to pass. I make no apologies. I look with clear eyes, like that of a Crone, or a heron, or owl. Unblinking. Focused. Honest. Fierce. Compassionate. Refusing to take nothing back. Truth is, I couldn't anyway. What does one do in the face of such sudden violent unexpected loss of her beloved companion Guardian? This is what this woman has done. This is how my life has been irrevocably changed by that sudden violent devastating loss and how I have changed my life irrevocably in response. I began the labyrinth then and still walk it. May never end. Cannot even see how one would end that walk, this walk. This is the land and waterscape of my life since that night. This is my tear streaked face, my clawing fingers, my altars to call meaning back to my life, the infinite candles that have been lit by me, and the choosing, my anguished choosing, the collapse into water, a gentle hand on the back of my neck while i'm standing on the brink, desire for another, altars made by water that stir unmemories, unrememberings, dreams of begging someone to shoot me, please!, her room: walls pained with memories and loss then painted with a black two headed snake who encircles the entire room, holding, containing, a crossroads, well, THE crossroads, making the choice to Live, to survive, to endure, to serve, gift back my life to Her on a snow covered ground, to stay True in the way only I can. This is my Life--my Life is a Threshold of Regeneration. It is not a beginning nor an end, a shore to stand on permanently tho I do need places, land, for rest, ground, restoration even if it's momentary. My Life is the threshold of regeneration...in short, my Life is the labyrinth path which began in the face of incomprehensible loss. So, that is my "review" of this stretch of the Path. I see the relevance of taking stock, reviewing, as it has helped me language where it is I am, what my Life seems to be...a Threshold of Regeneration. I am reminded of what I wrote a while back: Life seeks to Return, to Repair. Yes, that is what is both carrying me and what I carry in my heart. I love you, Phoenix. I seek you. Love, Me