Tearing of the Web

Dear Phoenix,
Yesterday I did a 'public' acknowledgment of a tearing of the Web, by my hands. It was public in the sense that it was witnessed by my closest sisters. As I walked to the home of the sister where we were all meeting, like we do once a month, I could feel the weight on me, the anxiety almost unbearable. But, I had woke up that morning knowing clearly what I needed to do: I needed to acknowledge something of this Tear and it's known and unknown consequences. And I needed to do it being witnessed as a non-verbal gesture even if they didn't really understand the gesture.

Afterwards, I felt worse. Almost as if it had intensified the Tear. I could hardly walk home; I felt I was drowning, like I had lost all sense of shore, like all that I had known and trusted was no longer in my reach. And even though they may not have been feeling like that towards me, I felt and still feel convinced that I will never be 'forgiven' and that my actions have ruined everything for everyone. That the Tear was not just in my connection with one sister, but it was/is a Tear in the Web between us all. I can hardly bear it. I have thoughts of just leaving, moving far away and starting over. Going far far away from this unbearable pain.

And...i know I will not do this. My family is here, my home is here. Even though so much is changing that sometimes I feel downright dizzy and nauseous, unable to focus my eyes clearly, I am hoping that all of this will lead to something better. "May the joy of the end of this journey exceed the joy of the beginning." This was a quote printed on some card years ago. It's stuck in my head for a while. It doesn't apply exactly to this situation because there is not one iota of joy here at the end. Perhaps it needs modification: May there be joy on the other side of the end of this journey that exceeds the joy in the beginning." Or something like that. And there was such joy in the beginning. Such joy. And many years of many moments of joy throughout.

Dear Phoenix, I have torn something that is irreplaceable. The consequences are far reaching, farther than I had thought. I feel like letting go, giving up on myself. What does one do with such a Tear? i do not know. My arms, chest and hands ache with this. I light our candle and ask for help.

And it is worth noting that yesterday afternoon, i sat down in my chair by the window and there stretched in front of me across from the window to the lamp was a single strand of a web. Right there. Unmistakable. What does it mean? Does it mean repair has already begun? I don't know. That would be a helpful interpretation. My arms, heart and hands still ache, so i just don't know. I took note though, Phoenix, of the WuWu timing and 'response'.

Love,
Me