I have remained home all day today, clearing closets, drawers, files, boxes. It feels like it's time again to filter out what I no longer need. Of course in the wake of all that, I find grief again. I stumbled on something I wrote in May of 2009 when you and I made a trek to the ocean. It was a couple months after the passing of Hekati (my sweet black kitty from Lesbos) as well as a few months after J. was diagnosed with cancer. You and I fled to the ocean for a couple of days to find ourselves again. There are photos on this WEblog of the happiness we found with one another and Her. The close up photo of us still hangs beside me here at the computer these seven years later. I also came across a collection of photos mainly of me during various experiences/travels with J. and before that partnership began. Last winter, I went through our huge crate of memorobilia casting out almost all letters and notes which I burned in a fire this summer. I organized photos and stored them as keepsakes of that part of my life with J. Today I have felt such grief for all that has come to pass in my adult life. I am aging, Phoenix, I am aging. My body will never be what it was, I will never have a partnership, my friendship with J. is dead/gone, my connection with K. also gone. Next month will be two years since Beetle has died and today Myrrh is acting very ill, not eating etc. I worry the best is done and the rest of my time will be biding it.
And, I know, there is so much more to my life than just biding time. My sweet soestre, our work, our sweet love, my friendship and tribe/herdmates, my darling funny Hestia, my incredible garden and home, The Heron House, my activism, my health and joy. I have gone on with my life and my Living, Phoenix. I have. And, I'm still brought to my knees with such sadness and loss. I came across a quote from the movie, Labyrinth, that I recorded years ago:
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here to take back what you have stolen."
I think that is some of what this WEblog has been for us. It has been a fight to take back the life of you and I that was stolen: something of the joy I have lost or
I love you and all the losses and strings of life that have been severed or stretched beyond their carrying capacity. My body will never carry me through all those particular and precious channels again; she reminds me I am forever changed and my life forever different. I walk forward, step after next step through the labyrinth, fighting, loving, preserving and letting go but not believing the lie that the best of my life is over, gone, dead. There are and will be many bests.
All of my love, forever and always through the veils and beyond time and space,
Phoenixx
