YOU!?

Dearest Phoenix on the WEb,

Ok, what is the deal?  On my way home from work today, I took the long way home, a scenic route through the mountains so I could feel the elevated air, see the leaves beginning to change and feel some change inside me in response.  And, I did. I had the sunroof open, the windows open and I looked down at your sweet face on my dashboard and remembered you so dearly: how it felt as a "We" together that is most unique, the energy that was exchanged, the settled joy of us, the love that was you and I.  All of that was gently and powerfully blowing around and through me as I sped along.

Then, the blue lights and I am pulled over for speeding.  I can hardly believe it; I mean how could this happen tangentially to being in such a state of connection and peace with you.  Aren't these bonds supposed to be practical? preventative of anything bad happening?  Where was your influence here?  Why a speeding ticket when feeling you and your presence?  Really. Why?

While I waited for the verdict of how much I would be charged for speeding (I really did believe you could influence this), I calmed myself down again by swimming through more connection with you as I looked at the photograph.  I remembered the times when I wanted to take you for a walk with your backpack on and you did not want that.  You would leap off the porch and into the yard barking at me to come chase you, daring me to.  I would grow more and more impatient but/and you would always make me laugh because of your persistent rascal-like playfullness.  I would try to be serious and say: "Phoenix, I am serious, come here. Hurry up!"  And you would trot towards me only to leap again into the air off the porch just out of my reach!

So, there I was languishing in those memories when the officer returned to tell me that my ticket would not be reduced because my speed far exceeded the limit.  I was bereft, how could you not affect change in this situation, pull some strings, make something wuwu happen to reduce this ticket that I got because I was communing with YOU!  Then I heard it: "Ma'am you were speeding 22 miles/hr over the limit."  Oh, there it is.  22.  Two twos.  Sigh.  Ok,  Phoenix, there you went again, leaping off the porch laughing at me like you do.  Ok, I accept, I was speeding. I'll pay the fine and slow down.  But, you owe me 100 bucks.

I love you, Phoenix.  We are a match forever.
Yours,
Me
PS....When I went to locate this photo above that is the one I keep in my car, I had to search thru all my photos by date in my file folder on line. There are thousands and I had no idea what date it was.  After looking at three other random dates, I found this one.  The date?  3/22/08  Yes, 22.  Ha, ha.

Back to back cranes

Dearest Phoenix on the WEb,

Thank you!!!  You are here.  In my despair, I could not see the language, our language, you send me.  It's amazing that I just don't see what's right there...

These last few days have been rough again.  Someone close to me has a dog who we think had a stroke because this weekend he couldn't walk properly.  It was a scary thing as the vet was trying to figure out what was happening and it seemed like he was getting worse quickly.   I stayed close to her as she plunged into her nightmare of losing such a close companion suddenly.  I held the line.  Finally, things began to shift and her beloved companion turned some corner and mostly has come back.

I was fine throughout, felt ok like I was totally present with what was happening inside me and still present for her and her process.  I am so glad I was there to understand the level of fear that was happening for her and to hold some line of groundedness.  As things settled for her, I began to plunge into my own depths.  Both today and yesterday, I came home from work, put my pj's on and went head first into bed.  I've been weeping the last couple of days sporadically and then today it was full force again.  I called you, Phoenix, called you to come to me.  Come back!  I need you.  Where have you gone!  You've not been in my dreams, I don't have any reported sign of you...you have vanished!!  Then I went back to this web log we have written together and began to re-read our journey.  I could feel myself both drop deeper into the grief and then something else met me there.  It was a line, maybe, that you hold for me.  I begged you to show me a sign, show me you still are there, something undeniable.

Nothing.  Silence and your photographs and our story.  But nothing current.

Later, I went to the living room, feeling a bit more grounded, but still discouraged that I must have made all of those other signs up because the magic has run amuck.  Then, as I was talking on the phone, Heron flew up towards my window and over the top of my house!  Oh, yes, is that you???  Then that reminded me of something from earlier today: a resident was wearing the most lovely shirt of two cranes standing back to back with one another so that it looked like it was a two headed bird!  It was so unusual, I thought then, but hadn't connected it consciously to you until later after I saw Heron fly towards me.  That was you and me at one another's back.  How sweet and just like you.

Thank you, dear beloved friend/guardian/companion.  Thank you for being there even when I am not seeing you.  Thank you for flying towards me to get my attention.  Thank you for not leaving me, especially now.  Thank you for being at my back.  I need you there with me.

I love you so.
Me

PS...I just read that cranes take this position of back to back as a protective posture.  Of course.  This is the kind of Wuwu I so needed and called you back for.  Thank you, dear one.