Friday, May 16, 2014

Anger seeks Justice

Dear Phoenix on the WEb,
There is something I need to know from you that only you can tell me.  Do you think me a coward for not confronting your killer?
I so wish there was something that I did, something dramatic that I could hang onto in my memory for these times when I am so angry at the injustice of your murder and have nothing to show for, at the very least spitting in his face when I had the chance.

Last night I dreamed that I was walking up that hill that led to both our houses. I encountered a horse who was very friendly to me, kept trying to connect with me.  I followed her up the hill; she was leading me somewhere and I lost track how close I was getting to your killer's house.  Suddenly I was right even with one of the windows and I ducked quickly and headed back down the hill.  Your killer saw me and grabbed his shot gun, standing just inside his doorway.  He shouted: "Stop where you are!" I kept walking, ignoring his threats, daring him to shoot me. 

I don't know what that dream means except that it has stirred up again how unresolved this will always be.  I will never know if he has suffered enough, or any, for that matter.  I will never have a memory of spitting my seething anger at him.  I feel like a coward.  I had nothing to lose after you were murdered: what would it have mattered if, after I buried you,  I had gone to his doorstep and looked him in the face and just spit at him.  Just spit and said that he and his family were lucky I didn't own a gun.  Curse him. Scare him.  Give him a memory of me that would linger into his nights forever.  Be the Erinyes. 

No, I did not do any of that.  Phoenix, do you think me a coward? Did I not live up to the ferocious womyn I claim to be?  I know that had I done anything directly ferocious, it would not have changed the fact that you were murdered, dead, gone.  But, it would have given me some sense of having done something in your honor that might have stirred up some regret, some fear of retribution, some stream of justice.  That's what I want: justice. 

So, two things I ask: one, do you think me a coward, dear Phoenix guardian companion? And two: I ask the WEb to send me a sign, some Wu, that there has been some bigger Justice in this matter.  Justice, it's a lot to ask of this world. And I ask the WEb, that which has kept you and I connected these few years, these many days and months, for some information that could only come in these Wu ways.  Dear WEb, I need to know.

Open to the Wu and loving you always, Phoenix,
Me