Right now, the light is changing in the sky and I feel my insides getting anxious, frantic and agitated, downright shaky, short of breath and scared. The time of your murder is approaching and even though I was not home when he killed you, my body has some knowing it was around 6:30 pm. This is the keyhole of the needle I must pass through all alone, to use Chris Williamson's words again. A keyhole like a rabbit hole into the trauma vortex that feel like swirling rapids, perilous and dire. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to condition myself, my little girls, to be ready in spite of everyone's insistence that 'I DON'T WANT TO!'. It is not possible to bypass this day, this month, this memory. Simply not possible for this Being. I am sure others know how to numb, drug out, deny, 'forget' and 'go on' but/and not this Being. I cannot. And, I won't. I go into the keyhole, the rabbit hole, the vortex, surrounded by many images of Udegan, many lit candles, by my beloved Beetle and Myrrh, by photos of you, Phoenix, by altars, by the knowing of survival from the last three years of doing this exact same thing. I am alone, yes, there is no one to pass through for or with me. And, there is a larger container holding this passage as I go.
Beetle and I took a walk in the woods today and at one point I looked around through the trees and called out your name. I have many photos of you racing free through the trees or standing still so very much camoflaged by your surroundings. I imagined you were there watching Beetle and I walk and I just couldn't see you because you do such a good job of being undetected. Phoenix, I miss you. You have come to me in dreams periodically and I have been so very thankful and touched. May you have a bit of magic for us on this day, this evening? I hope so!
Soon after I imagined you in the trees around us today, I heard a snap of a branch and became on alert. Then the worst thing happened: a dog off leash charged Beetle and I. I kicked and yelled while his person tried to get a hold of him and for many minutes was unsuccessful. In the midst of the fray in keeping this dog away from us, Beetle bit my knee. Finally, the dog was apprehended. My body is sore and my little girls are so very distraught. Being bit by Beetle is painful on many levels. She is my beloved companion, my protector; I know she didn't mean to bite me, and my feelings feel so very hurt.
Interestingly, right before that happened, in between me imagining you in the trees and the dog charging us, I wondered aloud if it would be a good idea to get a puppy in hopes Beetle would help raise her, teach her how to be my companion, before she dies. I had some good sweet chuckles asking Beetle what she could teach this puppy. She said she could teach her how to protect me, how to let me rub her belly, how to lick the tears off my face, how to make me giddy, how to be in Circle, how to keep the cat away from me.... Then the snap of a branch and the charge and ensuing fighting off and knee bite. When Beetle and I walked away finally, I just sobbed realizing that the answer was obvious. No, I cannot have another puppy now. There's no way I could have handled things with two dogs. Plus, Beetle's aggression (while righteous in this situation) is not something I want to be taught as much as I love her and want her to be part of the passing on of a lineage of how to be my beloved companion. I feel so sad right now about that on this day, even though, as I have said over and over, I do not want Beetle to go. We have a sweet rhythm and Life together. Now, I am sure, however, it has to just be she and I.
What else to say to you, love, on this day as 6pm approaches...I ache of this loss, of all that was lost, all over my body. I have remembered you through your photos today your gleeful nature, your intensity, your protectiveness as my guardian companion, your sweetness and goofy antics, your ease in relaxing on whatever surface is available and your ability to move in and out of visibility. I am most struck by this, this year: your moving between foreground and background. I greet you, Phoenix, on this day that calls forth into the foreground our last day together four years ago and the first day of my life forever changed.
May we find one another between the worlds always, forever, infinitely. I will continue to look between the trees. Thank you for your devoted love.
Your beloved companion person,
Me
